On personal safety: Are you rape-proof enough?

Holy mother of God!

Okay, so I had to borrow the title of this post from jfwlucy on a recent post at The Frisky, because it's both pertinent and sounds like an OK Cupid quiz that would come with little check boxes. But the subject matter is a little more serious: It's the author's assertion that being drunk is a feminist issue. (Via Feministe.)

Why does Kate Torgovnik believe that being drunk is a feminist issue? It's because sometimes, drunk women get raped. Women + rape must make it about feminism, so drunk = feminist issue it is. She's not blaming the victim, BUT (ding!) if women drank less, they wouldn't get raped so much. She even has statistics--sobering statistics (ding!)--to prove it.

O sweet Raccoon God, we're talking about this again. As if it had never come up before, we're presented with the realization that rapists prey on vulnerable women and drunk women are more vulnerable. Shocking and new and certainly worthy of the same rehashing and analysis it's been getting for decades now! Certainly something that hasn't been discussed on this very blog once or twice or thrice or whatever comes after thrice.

And there's certainly argument for drinking responsibly--it's good for the soul, it's good for the skin, and it's always better to be more in-control than less in-control. Of course, Torgovnik points out, in an ideal world, rape wouldn't exist, BUT (ding! Yahtzee!) we don't live in an ideal world. This is true. The question is how far we should be expected to go to offset that un-idealness. In an ideal world, priests wouldn't fondle little kids, but this isn't an ideal world--yet parents still take their kids to church. In an ideal world, terrorists wouldn't hijack planes, but this isn't an ideal world--yet people still fly. In an ideal world, rapists wouldn't attack runners in the park, but this isn't an ideal world--so what are we expected to do, get a treadmill and live in fear?

I'm not going to go into the whole argument a thrice-plus-one-plus-another-one time, because my view is simple: Life is a calculated risk, and everyone--man or woman--makes choices that someone else will disagree with. There is no choice that anyone--man or woman--can make that excuses the actions of the one who victimizes them. We love to harp on a rape victim's dress/sexual history/blood alcohol content/choice of parking spaces because it gives us a false sense of security that rape can be avoided by following a few simple rules. And "I'm not blaming the victim, but" is the clarion call of the person who's actually blaming the victim.

But how about that quiz, huh? How rape-proof are you? Ten quick questions, and you'll know for sure!

1. Do you run?
1a. Do you run outside?
1b. Do you carry a whistle?
1c. Do you carry Mace?
1d. Do you know how to use Mace without getting it back in your face, because ew?
1e. Do you carry a gun?
1f. Do you know how to use it and not get it taken away by a rapist who is now an armed rapist?
1g. Do you run outside during the morning?
1h. Do you run outside during the day?
1i. Do you run outside during the evening?
1j. Does your running route just circle the local police station over and over and over again?
1k. Are any of the police officers inside rapists?
1l. Have you asked?
1m. When you asked, are you sure they told you the truth?
1n. If you run inside, do you lock your front door?
1o. If you run inside, do you lock your back door?
1p. Are you sure you remembered to lock them? Do you want to go check? We'll wait.
1q. Do only trustworthy people have keys to your house?
1r. Have you ever lost or dropped your keys somewhere someone else could find them?
1s. Are you sure? Do you want to go check?

2. Do you drink?
2a. Do you drink with friends?
2b. Are your friends trustworthy? Do they have your back?
2c. Seriously, though, how well do you know these people?
2d. Are any of them men?
2e. Do they have penises?
2f. Are they rapists?
2g. Have you asked?
2h. When you asked, are you sure they told you the truth?
2i. Do you let your friends into your house to drink?
2j. Do they know where your bedroom is?

3. Have you ever had sex?
3a. Are you single?
3b. Have you had sex with more than zero people?
3c. Do you enjoy sex?
3d. Have you ever had a one-night stand?
3e. Did you get a police background check first?
3f. Was he hot?
3g. Seriously, was it awesome?
3h Have you ever been in a long-term relationship?
3i. Did you get a police background check first?
3j. Was he a rapist?
3k. Did you ask?
3l. When you asked, are you sure he told you the truth?

4. Are you attractive?
4a. Are you conventionally hot?
4b. Are you quirky, niche-market hot?
4c. Do you wear clothing that reveals any vague outline of your form?
4d. Do you wear skirts above the knee, like a slut?
4e. Do you wear skirts at the knee, like a Catholic schoolgirl?
4f. Do you wear skirts down to your feet that make it harder to run away from rapists?
4g. Do you wear tight tops that show your boobs?
4h. Do you wear loose tops that are easy to become tangled in during a fight?
4i. Do you wear pants that show how you have two legs and space in between?
4j. Do you wear shorts when it's 80 degrees?
4e. Do you wear short shorts when it's 90 degrees?
4f. Do you have the legs to pull it off?
4g. Really?
4h. Do you wear high heels, like a slut?
4i. Do you wear low heels, like a Catholic schoolgirl?
4j. Do you own a burqa? Don't you think you should?

5. Do you live in a safe area?
5a. Do you live in a convent?
5b. Are any of your sister nuns rapists?
5c. Have you asked?
5d. When you asked, are you sure they told you the truth?
5e. Do you wear a wimple?
5f. Do you wear a short habit, like a slut?
5g. Do you live in a retirement home?
5h. Are any of your fellow retirees rapists?
5i. Have you asked?
5j. When you asked, are you sure they told you the truth?
5k. Do you wear caftans, like that cougar Dorothy Zbornak?
5l. Do you live in a girls' school with high walls and a spiky gate?
5m Are any of your fellow students rapists?
9n. Are any of your teachers rapists?
9o. Have you asked?
9p. When you asked, are you sure they told you the truth?
9q. Do you wear a school uniform?
9r. Do you wear a shapeless sweatsuit?
9s. Do you wear footie pajamas?
9t. Can you tell me where to find adult-sized footie pajamas?

6. Do you go out at night?
6a. What, are you stupid?
6b. Have you taken self-defense classes?
6c. Do you know enough self-defense to keep you safe?
6d. Do you know just enough self-defense to make you a danger to yourself and others?
6e. Do you carry Mace?
6f. Do you know how to use Mace without getting it back in your face, because ew?
6g. Do you carry a gun?
6h. Do you know how to use it and not get it taken away by a rapist who is now an armed rapist?
6i. Do you go out accompanied by friends?
6j. Are your friends trustworthy? Do they have your back?
6k. Seriously, though, how well do you know these people?
6l. Are any of them men?
6m. Do they have penises?
6m. Are they rapists?
6o. Have you asked?
6p. When you asked, are you sure they told you the truth?
6q. Do you have a cell phone?
6r. Do you talk on it, so potential rapists will know you have a witness?
6s. Do you not talk on it, so you'll be alert to everything around you?
6t. Do you have the twitchy reflexes of a Vietnam vet?

7. Do you drink in bars?
7a. Do you drink alcohol?
7b. Do you allow bartenders to mix your drinks?
7c. Do you know your bartender?
7d. Do you know his middle name?
7e. Do you drink exclusively out of sippy cups or McDonald's cups with plastic lids?
7f. Do you keep an eye on your drink?
7g. Do you ever take your eye off your drink?
7h. Did you just make eye contact just there, instead of looking at your drink?
7i. Do you drink enough to get tipsy?
7j. Do you drink enough to get drunk?
7k Do you know how much you can drink and remain in control?
7l. Can you stand on one foot and touch your fingertip to your nose?
7m. Can you do that sober?
7n. Do you have a ride home?
7o. Is it a taxi?
7p. Do you know if the taxi company does background checks?
7q. Could your taxi driver be a rapist who doesn't have a criminal record?
71. Is it a friend?
72. Is your friend trustworthy?
73. Is your friend a rapist?
74. Have you asked?
75. When you asked, are you sure they told the truth?

8. Do you stay inside your house all the time and never leave?
8a. Do you lock your front door?
8b. Do you lock your back door?
8c. Are you sure you remembered to lock them? Do you want to go check? We'll wait.
8d. Do only trustworthy people have keys to your house?
8e. Do they only spend time around trustworthy people who wouldn't steal your key from them?
8f. Have you asked?
8g. When you asked, are you sure they told you the truth?
8h. Do you ever order takeout?
8i. Do you know your delivery guy?
8j. Do you know his middle name?
8k. Do you take your deliveries outside on the porch, where you're vulnerable?
8l Do you take your deliveries inside the house, where he could easily attack you?
8j. Do you test your food for roofies, just in case the delivery guy has drugged your food and is waiting for you to pass out so he can break in and rape you?
8k. Do you answer the door for repairmen?
8l. Do you check their IDs before letting them in?
8m. Do you call their companies when you see their IDs to make sure the IDs aren't fake?
8n. Do you know if your utility companies do police background checks?
8o. Do you know if your repairman has no criminal record but is a rapist anyway?

9. Do you have home security?
9a. Do you have a dog?
9b. Is your dog friendly to strangers?
9c. Do you have extra security doors outside your external doors?
9d. Do you have bars on your windows?
9e. All of them?
9f. Can you still get out of those windows in case of fire?
9g. Do you have alarms on your doors?
9h. Do you have glass-break alarms?
9i. Do you have motion-detector alarms?
9j. Do you have heat-sensing alarms?
9k. Do you keep them armed?
9l. Even when you're home?
9m. Are your alarms monitored?
9n. Is your alarm company trustworthy?
9o. Do they do background checks on all their employees?
9p. Do you have a panic room?
9q. Can you really afford one?
9r. Can you afford not to have one?
9s. Did you see that movie with Jodie Foster?
9t. Isn't she great?

10. Do you have personal security?
10a. Are they reliable?
10b. Have you done background checks on them?
10c. Are you sure they aren't rapists who don't have criminal records?
10d. Do they have backups?
10e. Have you done background checks on the backups?
10f. Are you sure the backups aren't rapists who don't have criminal records?
10g. Do the backups have backups?
10h. Have you done background checks on the backups of the backups?
10i. Are you sure the backups of the backups aren't rapists who don't have criminal records?
10j. Are they combat trained?
10k. Were they combat-trained by rapists?
10l. Do they ever get sick?
10m. Do they ever go to the bathroom?
10n. Are they eunuchs?
10o. Are you sure?
10p. Have you asked?
10q. Did you check?
10r. Isn't that sexual harassment?
10s. Do you wear a chastity belt at all times, just in case?

If you answered "yes" to one or more of those questions, YOU ARE GOING TO GET RAPED. FOR CERTAIN. PROBABLY TOMORROW. And if you cease that behavior immediately, you'll definitely not get raped, because women only get raped who are doing something wrong.

If you didn't answer "yes" to any of those questions, you're a liar.