On goobyes

Okay, so June 21 was my fourth blogiversary. You'll notice that it slipped by completely unremarked upon. You'll probably also notice that I haven't posted anything of substance for nearly two months. And there's a reason for that. I just haven't felt like it.


A lot of it can be attributed to overwork, which is certainly a major factor in my life. A lot of it can be attributed to the current state of politics, much of which is just more of the same crap I've been writing about for the past four years. A lot of it can be attributed to the glut of really talented writers out there, my brother among them, who tend to put things better than I ever could, leaving me with no more comment than, "Yeah! What she said!". And more than a little bit of it can be attributed to me; I don't know if I'm depressed or burnt out or just unmotivated, but my give-a-crap meter doesn't peg at nearly the level that it used to.

Practically Harmless deserves better, and so do you. You deserve better than a Friday Random Ten every three weeks and the occasional apology for not posting more. That's why--and I swear, I'm tearing up like a big baby just writing this--I've decided to retire.

I'm leaving the blog up, just in case anyone still cares at this point, and I can't promise I won't return to it at some time in the future (if Michael Jordan and Brett Favre can do it, so can I). But I just see no reason to keep promising to do better when, in reality, I struggle to come up with enough good and bad things to fill a Friday post.

So this is it. I thank the bloggers who have inspired me over the years, I thank the readers who have made me feel like I'm not just screaming into an empty warehouse, and I especially thank those of you who have stuck with me in my none-too-productive recent months. It's been fun, even the parts that haven't been.

Try the veal, tip your waiters, and if you drink, don't drive. Last one out, turn out the lights.

On the good, the bad, and the Friday Random Ten

Okay, so it's amazing* 'cause it's Friday, and it's amazing* 'cause for the first time in weeks I don't have any work to take home with me tonight, and it's amazing* 'cause I'm, like, the most prolific writer my office has ever seen and I'm, like, amazing*, yo.

It's also amazing* because of Frappuccino. Aren't they great? Aren't they great in mass quantities? Aren't they icy delicious and full of awesome, amazing* sugar and caffeine? Amazing*!

What's amazing* (for the week ending 6/20):

- the first Frapp of summer
- the first moment of realization that the physical therapy is starting to work
- baseball
- the second season of Veronica Mars on DVD
- The Golden Compass. Seriously, it was a really good movie. Kind of a shame they almost certainly won't be making the other two.

What's bad:
- pharmacists who won't dispense pharmaceuticals. Yes, you have a right to your religious beliefs and your morals, but if you think you might be called upon to dispense something you disagree with, don't become a pharmacist. If you're Muslim and can't touch pork, don't become a butcher. If you believe solely in the healing power of prayer, don't become a surgeon. And if you're an anti-choice fundie who disagrees with birth control pills, don't become a pharmacist.
- preggo teens. This isn't an abstinence issue or a birth-control issue or even, really, a teen-sex issue. These aren't the Lost Children of Rockdale County, although they seem to suffer the same lack of parental supervision; these are kids who deliberately got pregnant all at the same time. Why? A search for unconditional love? Looking for a living baby doll? Had no one ever impressed upon them the difficulties and responsibilities of parenthood? Whatever it is, that stuff is messed up.

The Ten:

1. Kool & The Gang, "Jungle Boogie"
2. Frank Sinatra, "Luck Be a Lady" (with Count Basie)
3. Georges Bizet, "Toreador Song" from Carmen
4. The Bloodhound Gang, "Why's Everybody Always Picking on Me"
5. John Coltrane Quarter, "Psalm"
6. Phats & Small, "Respect the Cock" (White Label mix)
7. Elvis, "Heartbreak Hotel"
8. Athenaeum, "Suddenly"
9. Soft Cell, "Tainted Love"
10. Ella Fitzgerald, "(I'd Like to Get You on a) Slow Boat to China"

Well, if my Friday Random Ten is any prediction of the success of my weekend, it's going to be... less than amazing*. Oh, well. What about you? What's amazing* for you this week?

*This post thoroughly amazing in honor of Katie Holmes. Why? Dunno.

On the good, the bad, and the Friday Random Ten

Okay, so no comment. No. Effing. Comment.

What's good (for the however many weeks ending 6/13):

- my big brother, who hit 30 last Wednesday but doesn't act a day over 25. All the cool kids celebrated at the Monkey on Saturday; everyone not there was, obviously, not one of the cool kids. Sorry.
- my dad, who is thriving after an ever-so-slightly terrifying bout with heart disease. I wanted to write something at the time, but Doug said it better than I ever could.
- gratitude to God and whatever angels were looking out for my family
- the end of primary season. Good God, it almost--almost--came to the point where I didn't care who the nominee was as long as we had one. I'm glad it didn't quite get to that point.
- crabmeat empanadas at Sol y Luna
- Handbrake. All of my favorite DVDs are now at home on my iPod, and I couldn't be happier. Who's going to be listening to Pride and Prejudice on the way to Tuscaloosa this weekend? This gal.
- inspiration
- The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, despite a few elements I didn't quite remember from the book. Did C.S. Lewis really have Susan gettin' some play before returning to her world?
- shade on a sunny day
- the end of a massive project

What's bad:

- overwork. And stress. Bad and not healthy.
- Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I could tell you in two words how bad this movie is, but I'd be giving away the ending. I mean, see it, of course, because it's the first Indiana Jones film in nearly two decades, but don't expect it to be good. Expect to come out of it muttering two words.
- this mess. Between this and her terrorist dap, Michelle Obama just can't get a break. Nice to see the right can stay classy.
- while we're at it, this mess. I didn't actually believe that a black man could run for president without this kind of thing happening, but golly, I sure hoped.

The Ten:

1. Etta James, "At Last"
2. Cornershop, "Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)"
3. Diana Krall, "Devil May Care"
4. Yaz, "Don't Go"
5. Johnny Cash, "The Night Hank Williams Came to Town"
6. Led Zeppelin, "Kashmir"
7. Athenaeum, "Comfort"
8. Howie Day, "Collide"
9. The Police, "Roxanne"
10. The Perishers, "Trouble Sleeping"


There it is, your TGTBATFRT, fully phoned in. What's good for you this week?

On my undisclosed location

Okay, so I've gotten a few e-mails of the "Where the hell have you been?!" variety lately, and I realized that it's been going on a month since I blogged last. For this, I am terribly sorry. In my defense, my schedule for the past month has looked something like this:

- 800-word story
- 600-word story
- 600-word story
- media kit
- fundraising case statement
- video shoot
- 600-word story
- 500-word story
- 800-word story
- take two days off to watch Dad try to have a heart attack
- 600-word feature
- 600-word feature
- physical therapy
- 400-word rewrite
- 400-word rewrite
- 400-word rewrite
- 400-word rewrite
- 500-word reworking of past feature
- video script
- 600-word feature
- 2,600-word feature
- take 15 minutes at lunch time to nearly have a heart attack of my own
- proofreading

To put it bluntly, I'm fresh out of words. I do have ideas, though, so as soon as I find more words, I'll be back to regular blogging (or I'll farm it out to someone in India). If it makes you feel any better, the things I've neglected during the past month have included

- blog
- boyfriend
- novel
- short story
- laundry

so you're in good company.

See you soon.

On the good, the bad, and the Friday Random Ten

Okay, so it's been a while, I know, and I also know I say that at the beginning of every TGTBATFRT, usually because it's been a while. Work continues to be a pain in my assholes, and the personal life is... good, actually, really good, but time-consuming. But quit you're whining, because TGTBATFRT is back, baby, we're back, and we're... back.

What's good (for the bunch of weeks ending 5/16):

- gays settlin' down
- chicken and vegetable potstickers
- Iron Man - a seriously entertaining movie, whether or not you care about comic books. And it brought teh hotness back to Robert Downey Jr.
- POKE!

- Bonnie Richardson is very, very good.

What's bad:

- all this bulljive over gays settlin' down. Seriously, people, I've heard the legitimate arguments and given them due consideration before refuting/dismissing them, but this whole "gay marriage destroys straight marriage" thing? How? For the love of the invisible pink unicorn, would someone please tell me how marriage becomes weaker when more people are allowed to do it?
- George W. Bush quitting golf... to show empathy for mothers who've lost kids in Iraq. Now, I'll grant him that playing golf while people die draws some pretty significant fiddling/Rome-burning associations, but if you've just lost your husband and the father of your children to a roadside bomb, is your first thought going to be, "Well, at least President Bush cares enough to sleep in on a Saturday"?

The Ten:

1. Dion, "Runaround Sue"
2. Queen, "We Are the Champions"
3. Cheap Trick, "Surrender"
4. Sarah Vaughan, "All of Me"
5. Brian Whitman, "(There's) Always Something There to Remind Me"
6. Frank Sinatra, "Fly Me to the Moon"
7. Chicane, "Low Sun"
8. Franz Schubert, "Das Fischermadchen" from Schwanengesang
9. Guster, "Born to Be Wild" (live, with Jump, Little Children)
10. Sarah Brightman, "Scene D'Amour"

What's good for you this week? That and your Ten go in comments.

On gays settlin' down, redux: California soul

Okay, so yesterday, California's highest court struck down as unconstitutional the state's ban on gay marriage, voting 4-3. Blah, blah, blah, judicial activism, blah, here's the reason it works:

First of all, let's note that the will of the people is not the highest law in the land, nor should it be. The will of the people has brought us slavery, discrimination on the basis of race and sex, Sunday blue laws, and American Idol. The people can be kind of stupid sometimes. Not always, but sometimes. And on the occasion that the people get stupid and try to pass discriminatory laws just because they have the sheer numerical authority to do it, someone has to be able to step in and say, "Well, yes, I realize that you all want it, but you can't pass a law outlawing Catholicism just because the Pope is really creepy. It's unconstitutional."

And that's what the courts have said here: that whether or not a majority of people in California want to deny gay people the right to marry, it's unconstitutional to discriminate against them by denying them a right that straight people have. Over at Pandagon, MAJeff (who appears to be the god of biscuits, for which I salute him) explains what it means that gays are now considered a "suspect classification":

In constitutional jurisprudence, there are basically two levels of analysis: rational basis and heightened scrutiny. Different states may have different levels, and Federal jurisprudence has sort of a middle one for gender, but these are the two basic ones.

Rational basis is the lowest level. It basically assumes that laws are constitutional if the state can show a rational reason for making the law–in this case, the state would need to have a “good enough” reason to distinguish between gay and lesbian people. Under this standard, the burden is on people challenging a law to show that the state does not have a “good enough” reason to deny the right.

The higher level is strict scrutiny. At this level, the burden falls upon the state to demonstrate is has a “really really good” reason to deny a right or treat people differently.

There are generally two ways to bump the analysis up to strict scrutiny. The first involves the denial of a “fundamental” right. Generally, those are the ones listed in constitutions, but things like marriage and privacy, although not explicitly listed, have been included.

The other way is through a suspect classification. At the Federal level, race is the only category that bumps this analysis up. Gender occupies sort of a middle location. Sexual orientation has no status at the Federal level.

MAJeff does go on to note that he's not a lawyer (just a "geeky sociologist who is studying the issue"), so any lawyers out there might want to check behind him on that, but on the surface, it sounds square. Gays should be allowed to marry not because there's any special reason to give them any special right, but because marriage is a basic right and there's no good reason not to give it to them.

Of course, if you read through the rest of that linked thread, you'll see that the fundies and Freepers have plenty of reasons to deny gays the right to marry, most of which involve dogs and/or polygamy and/or the influence of Satan (and, apparently, little boys and girls being forced to marry each other in public schools, which I don't quite understand). A few things to remember:

- Your dog cannot legally consent to marriage, nor legally sign the marriage certificate, so stop trying to make him.
- Straight Californians will not be forced to divorce their heterosexual partners now that marriage is legal for gays; it's a both-and thing, not an either-or.
- Churches will not be forced to perform gay wedding ceremonies, but should, because they're bound to be awesome.
- "Voting from the rooftops" is illegal (exceptions: voting precincts located on rooftops; absentee or mail-in ballots).
- Massachusetts has yet to collapse under the weight of its own sin and crumble into the ocean.

So here's to gays settlin' down (in California, at least) and what are sure to be the best wedding receptions evar.

On The List

Okay, so I have a couple of problems with the way this issue has been handled. I think it's possible for school administrators to go too far in their pursuit of order and decorum. I think that PDAs can be kind of icky when they go too far. I think high school kids will, to some extent, be high school kids. And I think that, despite recent security concerns and efforts on the part of many school administrators and even the protestation of the courts, kids should still have some right to privacy, because they're supposed to be learning to be adults and part of being an adult is seeing to your own business without needing constant monitoring.

That's why I think that people on both sides of the issue have... issues. And I have issues with that. For instance:

Issue the first: The infraction in question is a public display of affection. Now, it's been several years since I was a high school student, but when I was, public displays of affection tended to be public. You didn't need to make a list and track them down or monitor them or anything, 'cause they were, like, right there. In public.

Issue the second: I don't know if this is a failure on the principal's part or a failure of reporting, but the ABC report doesn't say that the boys who were outed had actually participated in any alleged PDAs. It only said that they were on the list of students to be "monitored," and that that's how the outing occurred. Which means they're suffering negative consequences for doing nothing wrong.

Issue the third: This is just supposition, of course, but in general, people who have something they're trying to keep quiet tend to, y'know, try and keep it quiet. Two guys who are trying to hide their coupledom from the rest of the school aren't likely to be among those causing PDA problems in the hallways.

Issue the fourth: This isn't entirely an issue of discrimination. This is a serious invasion of privacy for gay and straight students. There's no reason that the high-school administration should keep track of the ever-shifting configurations of teenage romances unless they're actually in the process of causing trouble--in which case, see above re: Issue the first.

Issue the fifth: This is still kind of a civil liberties issue because the gay kids are far more likely to suffer negative consequences for their relationship than the straight ones are. According to the ACLU's lawsuit, both boys have dealt with harassment from other students and one has even lost educational opportunities because of the outing.

Issue the sixth: A PDA is a PDA whether it's gay or straight. Even if Andrew and/or Nicholas had been engaged in a fervent hallway make-out session, the principal had no reason to call and say, "Your son was caught making out with another 'mo in the hallway." A simple, "Your son is being disciplined for breaking the rules by engaging in a public display of affection," should be entirely sufficient.

Issue the, what, seventh? Seventh: Nicholas's mother, who was apparently unaware that her son was gay until so informed by the school, reports that the principal said she "had a problem with homosexuality" and that "homosexuality will not be tolerated." If that is, in fact, the case, there is a clear case of discrimination here on top of the indiscriminate violation of privacy, and that ain't cool.

PortlyDyke over at Shakespeare's Sister has a really powerful post up about the pressures of simply being gay, even being "out," in a society that isn't entirely accepting of it. She writes about a challenge she made to a close friend of hers:

Spend an entire week pretending that you're not a couple. Don't write a check from a joint bank account. Hide all the photographs in your home and office which would identify you as a couple. Take off your wedding rings. Touch each other, and talk to each other, in public, in ways that could only be interpreted as you being "friends". Refer to yourself only in the singular "I", never in the "we". When you go to work on Monday, if you spent time together on the weekend, include only information which would indicate that you went somewhere with a friend, rather than your life-mate. If someone comes to stay with you, sleep in separate beds. Go intentionally into the closet as a couple. For a week.

They took my challenge.

They lasted exactly three days.

My friend returned to me in tears on day four and said: "I'm sorry. I had no idea what it is like for you."

Chances are, these kids were under enough stress as it was just trying to keep their relationship quiet in what was obviously a hostile environment, and there may well have been a few hetero couples on the list that were making similar efforts for their own reason. Even assuming that the list in question was made in good faith and in an effort to maintain decorum in an educational setting, the effort required to put the list inside a desk drawer or folder where it couldn't be seen by other students would be minimal at the very least.

And if the principal did, in fact, out a couple of high school students for no other reason than her own discomfort with homosexuality, she should be removed from her position. High school is hard enough, trying to get into college, wondering if that one tough teacher is out to get you, without having to wonder if that one tough teacher really is out to get you.

On Grand Theft Irony

Okay, so when I was a teenager, back before roving bands of kids skulking around with water guns constituted a national-security threat, we played a game we called Assassins. We each had one target, we each were a target to one other player, and our goal was to take that target out--without being taken out ourselves--using water pistol, water balloon, or Super Soaker. It was a fun game and a great way to spend the summer, planning out strategy, staging ambushes, never knowing who the enemy was or when the icy stream of an assassin's attack would wind its way down our spine. And not one of us, not even my gun-crazy friend Newman, ever progressed from Super-Soaker attacks to the real thing or thought for a moment that actually killing someone was in any way an appropriate or acceptable response to a real-life problem.

Similarly, I have played, and enjoyed, the game Grand Theft Auto. I like driving around town and exploring what the game designers have created, and while I'm not crazy about the first-person shooter aspects of it, I'm kind of tickled to be able to steal someone's car and run them down with it. I do have to wait a couple of hours before actually getting behind the wheel of an actual car, because I'm an assertive enough driver anyway, but I recognize that it's a game and that running down old ladies and shooting up dry storefronts and beating up hookers isn't something that you're meant to do in real life. It's not okay.

So what in Dick Cheney's own hell is this kid's problem?



It's fun to do bad things! He just wanted to do hood rat stuff with his friends!

You can blame a lot of stuff on bad parenting, and I suspect that this kid might suffer from lack of supervision among other things, but you can bet he has never gotten the message that bad things are, y'know, bad to do. Despite being fun. Bad. He probably wasn't led by his mother to believe that doing "hood rat stuff" and running a stolen SUV into things is acceptable behavior.

So where's the disconnect? Where, in kids, is the line between "it's fun" and "but it's bad so I shouldn't do it"? What's the inherent difference between a kid who can make that distinction and a kid who can't?

I think kids these days lack a sense of irony. They don't get that Grand Theft Auto is funny because you don't actually win "health points" in real life by patronizing prostitutes. They don't understand that Road Runner cartoons are funny because coyotes don't actually make coyote-shaped holes when they fall off of cliffs (or flatten out into coyote-shaped pancakes) and then make a full recovery. They demand literalism in all things, and when they're presented with something that requires any appreciation of satire, it flies right over their little heads.

Humor and irony should be required subjects starting early in elementary education and carrying well into high school. Tom & Jerry through Jonathan Swift. Why is this funny? Why do we laugh at this? What does this tell us about our lives? Sure, funny things sometimes lose a bit of their humor on analysis, but when you're faced with a crisis, sometimes you have to sacrifice a bit of humor in the interest of public safety. I would much rather have a teen driver on the road who knows the difference between an entertaining video game and real life--or a kid in high school who knows the difference between a song lyric and a life strategy--than one who can watch a Simpsons episode with a chuckle and then go to set the cat on fire.

On the good, the bad, and the Friday Random Ten

Okay, so TGTBATFRT is BACK, people, although I don't think you could say it's better than ever. Just back. Its absence is attributable to a great many reasons: Bloggerpalooza and G-Day, a deeply awesome trip to New York with the fam, a massive and time-consuming project at work, and a general paucity of words and/or motivation on my part. The last two, actually, still factor significantly in my life, and that's not going to resolve any time soon, but I thought I'd at least try to bring the standard Friday meme.

On that note...

What's good (for the three weeks ending 4/25):

- New York, bitchez, and food, and shows, and fake Hermes bags, and the swankness that is Sofitel. Seriously, as we walked in, Doug said to me, "Are they playing something from Massive Attack's first album? This place is awesome." We had no idea, at that moment, how right he was.
- Bloggerpalooza, bitchez, even if it was raining much of the time
- The Riches
- picnic weather
- Ben & Jerry's ONE Cheesecake Brownie ice cream

What's bad:

- graduation speaker Clarence Thomas. Some may (rightly) point out that Justice Thomas was accused, but never convicted, of sexual harassment, but considering the recent spate of dirty professors at UGA, it seems like the kind of controversy the administration might want to avoid. And come on, professors. It's called professionalism. You're not their friends; you're their teachers.
- haggis. Well, okay, it's not actually bad, certainly not sexual-harassment bad, but it tastes like precisely what it is, which is organ meat, and I just don't see the attraction.

The Ten:

1. Men At Work, "Overkill"
2. Athenaeum, "No One"
3. Gioacchino Rossini, "Kyrie" from Petite messe solennelle
4. The Smiths, "Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me"
5. Shirley Bassey, "Big Spender"
6. Duran Duran, "Come Undone"
7. Hepburn, "I Quit"
8. Further Seems Forever, "Bye Bye Bye"
9. Ella Fitzgerald, "Ill Wind (You're Blowin' Me No Good)"
10. The Rivieras, "California Sun"

Now it's back to unpleasant and uncomfortable amounts of work. What's good for you this week? That, your Ten, and your position on organ meats go in comments.

On self-defense

Okay, so as long as they're not zombie five-year-olds, it looks like I'm good.

26

On a story that'll break your heart, now available in hardback

Okay, so last September, I blogged about Randy Pausch, the Carnegie Mellon professor who is facing pancreatic cancer with more courage than I address the average hangnail.

He gave a powerful "Last Lecture" last lecture on the most valuable lessons he's learned during the course of his life--a lecture that's worth bookmarking and watching regularly, incidentally. He has since expanded on that lecture and provided it in convenient portable form with his new book, The Last Lecture.

I encourage--nay, order--you to buy a copy.

On the power of the Rick

Okay, so we continue our Rick Rolling kick with Mr. Astley's humanitarian power to soothe the savage breast. Who else could tame the hysterical hate-spewers at Westboro Baptist?

Well, okay, so Rick wasn't enough to actually tame them, but I'm sure he confused them pretty solidly for a few minutes. And shut them up a bit, too, which is never a bad thing. We take what we can get.

On welcoming our new zombie overlords

Okay, so I'm toast. Toast with BRAAAAAAAAINS.

32%

On the good, the bad, and the Friday Random Ten

Okay, so Tom Cruise and his team are up in arms over a new strain of medical marijuana now available in California. The strain is called Tom Cruise Purple, is labeled with a picture of Tom Cruise's manically laughing mug, and is rumored to have hallucinogenic properties.

Wow. They really do know how to cure disease.

Here's my question, though: Most people I know smoke pot for the mellowing properties. If that's what you're going for, are you going to buy weed stamped with a picture of America's most famous hysterically laughing couch-jumper?

What's good (for the week ending 4/3):

- pot roast sandwiches. I know I've done pot roast as "good" in the past, but this is pot roast sandwiches, which is what happens on Day 3 after pot roast and pot roast leftovers.
- fourth dates. Everyone talks about how great first dates are, and butterflies and excitement and meeting someone new and blah blah blah, but I'm strictly "whatevs" on first dates. First dates, to me, are a necessary evil endured only for the sake of getting to second and third dates and, ultimately, Date Number Four. Date Four is the comfortable one where you've hit the bottom of the well on flashy marketing tactics and must resort to being yourself; trading awkward silences for companionable ones is, in my opinion, never a bad thing.
- Hillary Clinton's unique relationship with Barack Obama:

- John Frieda Radiant Red Luminous Color Glaze (if you can find it)
- a piano guy who doesn't charge for the first consultation

What's bad:

- rain on your wedding day. And on your tailgate. If Saturday is a-raining, Bloggerpalooza 2008 is assembling in the North Campus parking deck just before 11 a.m.
- Madonna's latest. The editing on that video gave me seizures. And Madonna, you're pushing 50, you've got a bangin' body... look into pants.

The Ten:

1. Vertical Horizon, "We Are"
2. Deee-Lite, "Groove Is In the Heart"
3. REM, "Why Not Smile"
4. Sade, "Feel No Pain"
5. Pet Shop Boys, "Friendly Fire"
6. Etta James, "I'll Be Seeing You"
7. Cee-Lo, "I'll Be Around"
8. Candice Bergen as Murphy Brown, "You Keep Me Hangin' On"
9. Shirley Bassey, "Just One Of Those Things"
10. John Coltrane, "Cousin Mary"

That list makes me appear far cooler than I actually am. Shame, really.

And a question, apropos of nothing, for my male readers: If medical science advanced to the point that you could get preggo and carry a baby yourself, would you choose to? Your answer, your ten, and anything else you feel like blathering about go in comments.

On not no ghetto Boone's Farm

Okay, so when I say "Lil Jon," you think "class," right? I know you do. You think class and then you shout, "Yay-uh!" And that's precisely why Mr. Jon is starting his own upscale winery:

OS ANGELES (AP) -- It turns out Lil Jon drinks more than crunk juice - the larger-than-life producer and rapper has started his own wine label, offering selections including chardonnay and merlot.

"It kind of came out of nowhere," Lil Jon told The Associated Press of his new venture, Little Jonathan Winery. "We were just going to do some private label stuff (for parties) and we did it, and people was like, `Hey, it's pretty nice.'"

Lil Jon acknowledges that he's no wine connoisseur. "I'm not no `drink wine every day' kind of dude," he said in a telephone interview. "I'm not like an expert, so don't ask me no questions ... I just like the taste."

What?!

Mr. Jon made his first foray into the beverage industry with Crunk!!! Energy Drink, but this one he's taking a little more seriously. That's why he's putting his full name on every bottle.

"My full name is Jonathan," the Atlanta-based artist said. "The wine is more nature: I wanted to not just have a direct connection, but make it just a little bit more upscale than regular 'Lil Jon.' ... This is not no ghetto Boone's Farm; this is some real wine."

Okay!

Full disclosure here--I will be purchasing at least two bottles of Little Jonathan Sauvignon Crunk, Beaujolais New Ho, or whatever else rolls off the conveyor belt: one to display and one to serve to my friends without telling them first.

(H/T The Superficial.)

On those ginormous freaking Wakefield sisters

Okay, so any young woman who picked up more than one Sweet Valley High book in her day can probably tell you exactly, precisely what Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield looked like -- eyes the same blue as the ocean, wavy blonde hair, and "perfect" (always "perfect;" Francine Pascal had some less-than-creative ghostwriters) size-6 figures.

The hideous fat cows.

Thank God Random House is doing something about it. In honor of the re-release of the Sweet Valley High series, the book covers are getting a makeover (with a new cover model) and those lardass Wakefield sisters are getting some work done of their own.

To publicize the re-release of teen fiction series Sweet Valley High, Random House Children's Books sent a letter to journalists highlighting the changes made to the content of the 1980s paperbacks. New cover girl Leven Rambin (pictured) was not mentioned, but just to make sure preteen and teenaged girl readers are sufficiently insecure about their bodies, the publisher made the "perfect" clothing size a couple of notches more restrictive. It seems kids in the 80s lived by totally fat standards. Also, Sweet Valley High students now have their own anonymous blog, presumably to hatefully bully the fattest of their classmates.

A letter from Random House notes that those portly twins have slimmed down to a "perfect" size 4. They've also traded their red Fiat Spyder in for a red Jeep Wrangler, and Liz's job has moved from the student newspaper to the student Web site and her own gossip blog.

Because God forbid we should give our daughters inaccurate accounts of the unnatural physical standards to which they will be held. No reason for them to be spared the misery of poor body image just because they're reading out-of-date teen novels. Keep an eye out for Sweet Valley High books in which Jessica gets roofied and date-raped by Bruce Patman, Todd makes Elizabeth get breast implants (forcing Jessica to get them, too, so that they can continue their periodic twin-swapping routine), and Enid learns a very important lesson about self-respect after a drunken stint on Girls Gone Wild.

While we're rewriting history, someone should probably tell those tubby Babysitters Club chicks that it's time to hit the gym (except for Stacey, of course, who's had the advantage of diabetic skinniness since Book 3). And does Nancy Drew do Pilates? 'Cause she really might want to start. I'm not sayin' that Ned would have proposed already if it weren't for the excess junkage in her detective trunkage; I'm just sayin'.

On the good, the bad, the annoying as hell, and the Friday Random Ten

Okay, so I'm not the world's most positive person, but I try. While I'm not really a pessimist, I'm certainly not all about the sunshine and the rainbows. That's one reason I've purposely limited my "bad" section on Fridays to two items; it would be really, really easy to lose track of myself and spew out a page-long bitch list with all of the things that have gone wrong in the past week.

But sometimes, things just have to be said, and that's why this TGTBATFRT comes complete with a bonus list of pet peeves, because some things just have to be said.

1. "booty." Shudder. We're all adults here, and we can use any of the multitudinous euphemisms for "ass" that don't sound completely infantile. I once fell asleep in front of the TV and woke up to an infomercial for Yoga Booty Ballet; I thought I'd died in my sleep and was finally being punished for my sins. Exception: Mos Def.

2. "entitled." Double shudder. This one hits me right in the editor button. If you're talking about a book, magazine, or movie, you can safely go with "titled" and not sound like a complete nutscrub. Exception: Entitlement complexes.

3. "exspecially." It's not spelled that way, there's no reason to pronounce it that way. Period. Exceptions: None, fool.

4. "a myriad." This used to be behind "plethora" on the Peeve List but has jumped ahead since I've started hearing it used as a noun. "Myriad" is an adjective, people. It's a word that describes nouns. And if you're using it, you'd probably be better off using "various" anyway. Exceptions: None.

5. man's inhumanity to man. Exception: Cage fighting.

But on a more positive note,

What's good (for the week ending 3/28):

- the Egg McMuffin. The creator of said delicacy died Tuesday, and I think we should celebrate his life and his creation by indulging in greasy breakfast goodness today.
- having someone to hold your spare keys. Everyone needs at least one person in their lives who will, after two days without contact, enter their apartment without invitation just to make sure they haven't been eaten by wolves.
- Easter leftovers. Not quite as good as Thanksgiving leftovers, but still up there; sourdough rolls + ham + beet relish + potato salad = one hell of a leftover sandwich.
- Sally Hansen Diamond Strength No-Chip Nail Color in Chocolate Chiffon
- the calm before the storm

What's bad:

- the storm
- 4,000+ war dead. Seriously, are we done yet?

The Ten:

1. Diane Schuur, "Come Rain or Come Shine"
2. Vertical Horizon, "Give You Back"
3. Gioachino Rossini, "Domine Deus" from Petite messe solennelle
4. The Ocean Blue, "Ballerina Out of Control"
5. Miredys Peguero, "Dragonfly"
6. Bon Jovi, "It's My Life"
7. Annie Sellick, "Gravy Waltz"
8. Jump, Little Children, "B-13"
9. Steve Tyrell, "Don't Get Around Much Anymore"
10. The Cure, "Just Like Heaven"

What's good for you this week? That, your own pet peeves, and your Friday Random Ten all go in comments.

On smacking your girlfriend for Jesus

Okay, so I know a lot of you guys have been wondering, "But when is it okay to smack my girlfriend around? When is domestic violence acceptable? There have to be some circumstances under which it's appropriate for me to slap the bitch out of her, right?"

Lucky for you, Steelers chairman Dan Rooney has laid out some guidelines.

A day that started with the release of Steelers wide receiver Cedrick Wilson after he was charged with assaulting his former girlfriend Wednesday night, ended yesterday amid a series of statements by team chairman Dan Rooney to address what appeared to be a double standard in dealing with players involved in off-field domestic disuptes.

Wilson became the second player in 11 days to be charged in a domestic dispute with a woman. On March 8, Pro Bowl linebacker James Harrison also was charged in an incident involving his girlfriend.

Harrison is still with the Steelers.

See, Wilson was charged with simple assault, harassment, and disorderly conduct when he clocked his ex-girlfriend in a bar. And that's not okay. Harrison was charged with simple assault and criminal mischief when he broke down his girlfriend's door, broke her cell phone in two when she tried to call 911, and slapped her with an open hand. Which is okay, if you have a good reason, which obviously he did.

"What Jimmy Harrison was doing and how the incident occurred, what he was trying to do was really well worth it," Rooney said of Harrison's initial intent with his son. "He was doing something that was good, wanted to take his son to get baptized where he lived and things like that. She said she didn't want to do it."

See, if you have a good reason, it's okay to break down someone's door and beat them up. So if you ever feel the need to break down someone's door and smack them around and get away with it, make sure you have a good reason. Like getting someone baptized. That makes it all okay.

(H/T Feministing.)

On another sad milestone

Okay, so you know he's been thinking it.

Shorter Dick Cheney: 4,000 war dead were askin' for it.

On where the crap I've been

Okay, so that question has been asked, albeit in a somewhat more polite manner. (Well, actually, not really. It was more like, "Post, already!" which isn't all that better on a politeness scale.) The answer to the question is, of course, "at work," and not the kind of work where I can slack off and write blog posts all day like I used to. Things have been significantly shaken up here of late, and that may result in light posting on my part. I don't intend to take another hiatus, but I can't guarantee the volume I was once able to produce. If you want to help ease my burden a bit, here's what you can do: Take one (1) person you know who's interested in and qualified for the role of marketing director at a small-to-medium university in Birmingham, Alabama. Point toward Birmingham, pull back, and release.

Seriously. The other day, I squeezed my stress ball so hard it bit me.

But there is happier news to be had. There is a new member of the Practically Harmless family, and she brings me much joy. And I think she's just as cute as a button. Have a look:



No, obviously, it's not a dog. Or a baby (God forbid). I'd love a dog, but my dog-negative apartment precludes that particular addition to my life (a situation that'll have to be remedied soon). But lacking a cuddly source of unconditional adoration, a piano is, for some, an adequate alternative. And this one's a doozie.

Meet Abbey. Abbey is a vintage Fender Rhodes Seventy-Three stage piano. She's not fully functional quite yet--she has a few sticky keys and a few staticky contacts--but she's lovely, and she's got that awesome sound that's unique to the Rhodes family. Shamefully, all I have in my musical repertoire at the moment is a Chopin prelude that I remember from my recital days, and that's... well, that's not what this piano was built for. But in terms of churning out a little bit of funk and/or blues, as I have every intention of doing in the near future, this is the crucial Step One.

So that's my newest addition, and I think it's a good one. Watch this space for updates on French skills, automotive maintenance, and vocal percussion. I think I might even be inspired to attempt pancakes on Saturday. I know, I'm a wildwoman.