On damned good football

Okay, so the outcome of Saturday's game was disappointing. The game itself, however, was far from disappointing -- the game was freaking awesome. The game was two perfectly matched teams playing their asses off, and if there had been 30 more seconds in the game, the outcome could have been completely different.

That can be the hardest way to lose a game. The Bulldogs didn't lose because the refs were idiots. They didn't lose because Bama played dirty. They didn't lose because Bama played better than they did -- as much as some people are saying that Georgia was weak or inconsistent, or that Mark Richt and Aaron Murray can't finish a big game, the fact is that the Dawgs held their own, actually led for more than half the game, and ultimately played to within four points of the #2 team in the country. And they didn't lose -- and don't anyone dare say it in my presence -- because Chris Conley caught a ball that he'd have been better off batting down. The man saw a ball flying his way and went with his first instinct, which was to catch it so no one else would. And had that one foot not slipped out from under him, that one error might well have turned into a touchdown.

Georgia lost the game because games have to end eventually, and when they end one team has to have more points than the other. It leaves a fan without anything to rail about, anything to whine about, or anyone to rail at, and that can be kind of disappointing. We like to have reasons for unpleasant things, and this one doesn't have a reason. But reason or no, one fact is indisputable: The Bulldogs played their asses off.

To repeat: The Bulldogs played their asses off. They worked the entire time. They wanted it the entire time. They performed the entire time, and they damned near won. Mark Richt coached the hell out of that game, with just enough shades of Dark Richt to keep things interesting and enough of the Coach Richt we know and love to keep the team on track. As individuals and as a team, they played really good football. And no matter how disappointing it is that that team won't be getting a BCS bowl berth -- and don't get me wrong, it's way disappointing -- there's comfort in the knowledge that in the conference championship, they played the hell out of some football, and they have no reason to have regrets.

At the risk of bringing down the tone of this post, I do have to comment on the accounts of Coach Richt "storming out of the press conference." When I read about it, I had this image in my head of him being shouty, aggressive, throwing his drink down in disgust. My head was full of a Hothead Richt I'd never actually seen in the wild. And then I watched video.



Yeah, that's exactly how it looks when Mark Richt storms out of a press conference. Just like his "irate on the sidelines" looks a lot like any other coach's "having a facial expression," his "going off in a press conference" looks a lot like "speaking emphatically" from anyone else. He's a classy dude, answering a kind of stupid question -- if anyone has ever wondered about Richt's and Murray's ability to come through in a big game, this one should have addressed that handily.

Georgia didn't come up short or underperform. It doesn't even feel like they lost. They played damned good football against a damned good team, and at the end of the game they had fewer points. Good job. Damned good Dawgs.

On the Good, the Bad, and the Friday Random Ten: Red and Black edition

Okay, so this is a big weekend for me for two reasons: One, the Georgia Bulldogs are in the SEC Championship Game, and if they win they face Notre Dame for the national championship, and I don't care folks are saying, we have a chance at a win. As long as I wear my red-and-black-striped toe socks. Which I totally will.

The other big part of the weekend is that Saturday is December 1, which means I get to start decorating the house for Christmas. Which I will be doing every moment I'm not watching football, meaning that by sundown our house is going to look like it just got brutally attacked by one of those Christmas Villages that pop up in the retail spaces vacated by Spirit Halloween Store shortly after Halloween.

So that's two things that are good this weekend. But wait! There's more!


What's good (for the indeterminate period ending 11/30):

- Dame Judi Dench. I loved her in the new Bond movies, I love her in "As Time Goes By," and I love her even more knowing she embroiders charming little needlepoint pillows that say "You Are a Fucking Shit." She's on my list of women I want to have lunch with, along with Tilda Swinton, Viola Davis, Meryl Streep, Emma Thompson, and Jennifer Lawrence (just for variety).

- My imaginary lunch with Judi Dench, Tilda Swinton, Viola Davis, Meryl Streep, Emma Thompson, and Jennifer Lawrence

On the land of T-bone steaks and unending tummy rubs

Okay, so UGA's beloved mascot, Uga VII, passed away Thursday morning from a heart attack.

As a Bulldog, I mourn the loss of our mascot, who was a big chunk of bulldog and a commanding presence on the sideline. As a dog owner, I feel awful for the Seiler family, who lost a family pet; those who have met him say he was a friendly, good-natured dog. The average lifespan for a bulldog is eight years, and the Seilers have seen the passing of six Ugas before, but I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier this time.

Georgia won't have a bulldog mascot on the sidelines this weekend against Kentucky, but there are plans to hang a wreath on his doghouse. The Seilers plan to have a dawg in place at next Saturday's game against Georgia Tech, although it won't necessarily be the next Uga.

Rest in peace, Uga VI's Loran's Best, and may you find mountains of kibble and bountiful bags of ice. You were a damn good dawg and a good boy.

On the good, the bad, and the Friday Random Ten

Okay, so Tom Cruise and his team are up in arms over a new strain of medical marijuana now available in California. The strain is called Tom Cruise Purple, is labeled with a picture of Tom Cruise's manically laughing mug, and is rumored to have hallucinogenic properties.

Wow. They really do know how to cure disease.

Here's my question, though: Most people I know smoke pot for the mellowing properties. If that's what you're going for, are you going to buy weed stamped with a picture of America's most famous hysterically laughing couch-jumper?

What's good (for the week ending 4/3):

- pot roast sandwiches. I know I've done pot roast as "good" in the past, but this is pot roast sandwiches, which is what happens on Day 3 after pot roast and pot roast leftovers.
- fourth dates. Everyone talks about how great first dates are, and butterflies and excitement and meeting someone new and blah blah blah, but I'm strictly "whatevs" on first dates. First dates, to me, are a necessary evil endured only for the sake of getting to second and third dates and, ultimately, Date Number Four. Date Four is the comfortable one where you've hit the bottom of the well on flashy marketing tactics and must resort to being yourself; trading awkward silences for companionable ones is, in my opinion, never a bad thing.
- Hillary Clinton's unique relationship with Barack Obama:

- John Frieda Radiant Red Luminous Color Glaze (if you can find it)
- a piano guy who doesn't charge for the first consultation

What's bad:

- rain on your wedding day. And on your tailgate. If Saturday is a-raining, Bloggerpalooza 2008 is assembling in the North Campus parking deck just before 11 a.m.
- Madonna's latest. The editing on that video gave me seizures. And Madonna, you're pushing 50, you've got a bangin' body... look into pants.

The Ten:

1. Vertical Horizon, "We Are"
2. Deee-Lite, "Groove Is In the Heart"
3. REM, "Why Not Smile"
4. Sade, "Feel No Pain"
5. Pet Shop Boys, "Friendly Fire"
6. Etta James, "I'll Be Seeing You"
7. Cee-Lo, "I'll Be Around"
8. Candice Bergen as Murphy Brown, "You Keep Me Hangin' On"
9. Shirley Bassey, "Just One Of Those Things"
10. John Coltrane, "Cousin Mary"

That list makes me appear far cooler than I actually am. Shame, really.

And a question, apropos of nothing, for my male readers: If medical science advanced to the point that you could get preggo and carry a baby yourself, would you choose to? Your answer, your ten, and anything else you feel like blathering about go in comments.

On a fond Favrewell

Okay, so I know I haven't posted lately--I've been up against deadlines like whoa at work--but I did want to observe one passing that pokes me in the heart just a little bit with a stiffened, jabby fingertip.

Enjoy your retirement, Brett Favre. You've earned it.

Now, don't go telling me that Favre is hardly the NFL superstar that he used to be, or that he might have become, or that he might have once been, or that he might have once been positioned to be, or that he could have at one point been positioned to have beecomen. A three-time AP MVP and two-time Super Bowl winner, he did slow down just a scootch in the end, probably because he'd been playing the game professionally for 17 years and was kind of tired. He still has a buttload of QB records to drag into sunny retirement with him.

I guess I'm just kind of boggling at the thought of a National Football League without Brett Favre in it. I was ten years old when he was drafted by the Falcons in 1991, and I know I hadn't yet discovered the addictive wonder that is football, so pretty much the entire time I've cared about the sport, he's been in it, kicking behinds and chewing bubble gum.

But what's always gotten to me is the way he's just a solid guy. Despite having a heck of a time of it at various points throughout his life, he's never (with the exception of his Vicodin rehab in '96) really gotten himself into Michael Vick-levels of trouble. And despite being the consummate badself, he's never really gotten himself into Terrell Owen-levels of ego and self-inflation. He does charity work and volunteer work and actually seems to enjoy it. He seems like a really nice guy, not even by the "I'd like to have a beer with him" standard but by the "I'd like to bring my kid over to play with his kid and we can stand by the barbecue grill and watch them throw the football around" standard.

So although I mourn, on behalf of all pro football fans, his loss to the sport, I can't even resent him his retirement. He said himself that he could continue playing if he wanted to, and he just plain didn't, and I respect that. If anyone's earned a nice retirement, it's him, and I hope he has a good time with it.

And if he'd like to spend it in the announcing booth, I've got to... encourage him not to. Let's just leave our memories the way they are, shall we?

On der Untergang der Cowboys

Okay, so you know I was laughing.



"It's all Jessica Simpson's fault."

On the good, the bad, and the Friday Random Not-Even-Ten: New Year, New Chance to Screw It Up edition

The best and the worst of international travel (suck it, Air Canada)

Okay, so it was quite the month. Football (my home state of Virginia didn't fare well, I'm afraid, but my other home state of Georgia whupped up), holidays (among my Christmas gifts were a Chris Cooley Redskins jersey, Deluxe Scrabble, and an acre of Guatemalan rainforest), politics (other people go to parties to watch the caucas results come in, right)... But out of a whole month (more than a month, really), what was good and/or bad enough to make the list?

What's good (for the, what, five-week period ending 1/4):
- the overwhelming generosity of my family, for whom I'm unspeakably grateful (Aww...)
- London at Christmastime. That was the big trip, and it was gorgeous, and incredibly cold, and gorgeous, and fun and exciting, and gorgeous. If there's interest, I'll post a few pictures; if there's none, I might post some anyway, because when you have your own blog, you get to do stuff like that.
- shrimp scampi, cheese grits, asparagus, standing rib roast, green beans amandine, sourdough rolls, more cheese grits, pork loin, collard greens, more cheese grits, black-eyed peas, cucumber salad
- inexplicably not waking up ten pounds heavy on January 2 after all of that
- chili on a cold night
- Barack Obama in the Iowa caucases (back off, ladies, I saw him first. Um, except for you, Michelle. Obviously)
- scarf-and-hat weather
- friendly faces at the airport. After the ordeal of my return trip from Toronto (details to follow), as I crested the escalator and turned to haul ass to the baggage claim and start my long drive home, I heard my name... from my dad. He and Mom had driven up from Columbus to meet me at the Atlanta airport simply because they knew I'd been traveling for 42 hours and might appreciate a hug and a nice dinner. Which I did. More than I can possibly express.
- the 2008 Sugar Bowl - Georgia 41, Hawaii 10; Mark Richt, even hotter when he's kind of evil
- a chance to sleep in after a month of busy Saturdays

What's bad:
- 36 hours, showerless, in the Toronto airport during a blizzard. I suspect that that one was equally bad for everyone around me.
- re-entering the dating scene after a breakup
- my cholesterol level after holiday eats (one can safely assume)
- mince pies

I'm going to throw you something a little bit different in this month of newness. Josh has a theory that a Friday Random Ten might have powers to predict the success of the coming weekend. Could a Random Twelve be asked to predict an entire year?

Let's see:

January: Dave Matthews Band, "Pay for What You Get"
February: Shirley Bassey, "The Lady's a Tramp"

Promising...

March: Aqualung, "Something to Believe In"
April: Jeff Buckley, "Hallelujah"

Better...

May: Franz Schubert, "Abschied D957" from Schwanengesang
June: Kula Shaker, "Magic Theatre"
July: Kay Starr, "All By Myself"

Hold on, there.

August: Groove Armada, "Edge Hill"
September: Sarah McLachland, "Angel"
October: N.W.A., "Gangsta Gangsta"

Abort! Abort!

November: Day One, "Bedroom Dancing"
December: Lo Fidelity Allstars, "Will I Get Out of Jail"

Great. See if I do that again.

How about you? It's been a while; what was good and bad for you this season? Your year of random music?

On the good, the bad, and the Friday Random Ten

Idiot kings are only funny when they're fictional

Okay, so after the Florida victory, I said (publicly, if not online) that if we only won one game for the rest of the season, and that game was against Georgia Tech, I'd be a happy camper.

Of course, that wasn't taking into consideration the Through the Looking Glass Season of 1999, in which, despite the Bulldogs' spotty performances and ongoing tendency to play down to the level of our opponents, Georgia could still take the SEC East if we win out the rest of the season and Tennessee gets a loss. It's funny how having nothing to lose can change your outlook on things; I find myself having to swallow my breezy acceptance of a Georgia loss against Auburn this weekend and lining up all of my football superstitions in preparation for a fight. This weekend, I'm going to be in Athens with Doug, watching the game from Tent City, with Jenna, who will be wearing her Georgia sweater, and I'll be wearing my black Georgia t-shirt, which I'd be wearing anyway, because of the superstition, but it works because Geogia is planning to black out the stadium, but I'd be wearing it anyway because of the superstition, and good golly, being a football fan is more exhausting than one might think. I love it, I'm always glad to see football season roll around, but this might be the first year that I'm also glad to see the end of the season.

Too much pressure. Gah.

The good (for the week ending 11/9):
- the Blackberry 8100
- Local coffee shops that know you by sight and start pouring your skim latte before you even get to the counter
- Locomotive breakdancing:

- Monty Python and the Holy Grail screened a la The Rocky Horror Picture Show
- working together to actually accomplish something (Nice work, guys! Now let's see what you can do about stem cell research, reproductive rights, and ENDA)

The bad:
- wife-slapping as a socially redeeming quality (warning: logic-free logic may cause nausea and dizziness)
- suspending constitutional rule in the face of national security threats

The Ten:
1. U2, "Numb"
2. Sarah Brightman, "Nella Fantasia"
3. Johnny Cash, "Highwayman" (with Willie Nelson)
4. Tim McGraw, "It's Your Love" (with Faith Hill)
5. The Temptations, "The Way You Do the Things You Do"
6. Diane Schuur, "Easy to Love"
7. Portishead, "It Could Be Sweet"
8. Siouxsie and the Banshees, "Peek-A-Boo"
9. Jump, Little Children, "All Those Days Are Gone"
10. Diane Schurr, "I Can't Believe You're In Love With Me"

How about you? What's good for you this week?

On eliminating back-monkeys in three easy steps

Step one, cut a hole in the box.

Okay, so I'm buzzing, and I have been since about thirty seconds after kickoff Saturday, and I'm hoarse, and it's awesome. I'm not going to pretend to have Zen Bubba's powers of football prediction, but sometimes I get inexplicable feelings (see last year's Auburn game), and something just told me that Doug was going to be streaking Highland Avenue again this week. Even with that feeling, though, I was waiting for one of the classic give-it-up-early-and-then-just-manage-to-pull-it-out last-minute field-goal Forrest-Gump victories that have been irritating my ulcer for the past two seasons.

Luckily, I didn't have to wait for long.

Coach Mark Richt (the undisputed hottest coach in Division IA) knew what he was doing coaching this game. I attribute it to his being the father of four small children. Because we weren't up against a college football team this week; we were up against the boogeyman of 2-and-15, a boogeyman that had psyched us out numerous times in past games. And if anyone knows how to conquer a boogeyman, it's a daddy.

The first thing to do, of course, is to make that boogeyman funny instead of scary. For the Bulldogs, that meant taking this Most Sacred and Hallowed Football Tradition off its pedestal and playing honest-to-God rough-and-tumble football. They didn't need to go out there with the goal of not-losing, which had been their mindset for going on a decade and is always a spiffy tool for self-defeating; they needed to take the field with the singular goal of fucking some shit up, and they didn't know whose shit, and they didn't particularly care. CMR said that they "game-planned energy" as much as they game-planned any of their plays, and it obviously worked. What else worked? CMR's now-famous proclamation that if they didn't get a penalty for excessive celebration after their first score, they were going to run steps. Sure enough, they swarmed the end zone after that first touchdown, Trinton Sturdivant shook it like a Polaroid picture, and Georgia had not one but two penalties and twenty-two-and-a-half yards that put a floppy hat and a flowered mumu on that boogeyman and stuffed him back in the closet. A Florida player later referred to it as "fake juice," manufactured enthusiasm, but if it works, I don't care if it's OJ or Tang. I had a few moments of fear when Florida did appear to get appropriately riled in response and answered with a touchdown of their own, but it soon became apparent that no amount of encouragement from Urban Meyer could make them want this win as much as the Bulldogs did.

Step Two was to put the fear of God into the Gators, and I think Tim Tebow spent enough time on his back, staring up at a sea of red helmets, to attest that we did that quite well. I recognize that the man was playing with a bruised shoulder, and he kept his head in the game admirably well under the circumstances, but by around the fourth nut-sack, he was starting to get twitchier with every snap. Every time he rolled back to pass, he heard footsteps. And even with that kind of constant pressure, he managed to pass for 236 yards and hook up for a total of 343 offensive yards. Dude's a hoss, and I tip my hat to him (and to the Unstoppable Percy Harvin).

Step Three was to pitch a tent in Florida's end zone, set up a hibachi and a satellite dish, and call it claimed territory. Doug points out to all of the "Tebow's shoulder" apologists that Tebow wasn't playing defense, and Tebow's shoulder didn't allow 42 points. A team that has in the past seemed almost phobic of the goal line (that would be ours), that has a recent history of charging manfully down to the red zone and then kicking for three (still us), saw Florida's red zone four times and scored all four times. With touchdowns. (Those are the ones that stay on the ground.) I'm sure Brandon Coutu felt well put-upon every time they pulled him away from his DVD and animal crackers to kick a PAT, because he certainly wasn't kicking field goals and he had probably just gotten comfortable.

In other words, Knowshon "B-Button" Moreno (must credit Practically Harmless) -- redshirt freshman, captain for the game, and all-around badass -- is my babydaddy, and Mo Massaquoi is my backup babydaddy. And fullback -- fullback -- Brannan Southerland is welcome to join the party. My biggest fear as Knowshon crossed the goal line after a nine-play, five-minute, 67-yard drive was that we couldn't possibly keep that kind of energy going for three more quarters, and that I was going to be brokenhearted if we started to slip. Then Florida answered, and then we answered their answer, and then they answered our answer to their answer, and I was convinced that the game was going to end 77-70 and the winner was just going to be whoever got the last TD in. Then they pulled ahead. Then we pulled ahead. Then the game started to get exciting.

A few off-the-field game notes:

- My mom? Magical. Yells, "Sack him!" and they do. Six times.
- Game ball goes to my dad, who, as Doug reports, picked up a spur-of-the-moment impulse-buy monster plasma-screen TV in time for the game. Add this to his recent purchase of a ruby-red Acura TL, and one might have to conclude that, in addition to being a great man, he's also a cool guy.
- Sports-related superstitions are a necessary but onerous burden. Unsure whether to go with my black Georgia t-shirt (undefeated at home) or my red Georgia jersey (undefeated on the road, save for the Tennessee game, which had mitigating superstitious circumstances), I chose to go with both for the neutral site but ended up stripping back down to the t-shirt after Florida's field goal. It appears to have been the wise choice.

One last word on the excessive celebration penalties: One Gator blogger talked about "acting like you've been there before" when you score a TD and said that that joyful display, coupled with the unfortunate jumping-on-the-V incident at Vandy a few weeks back, added up to a "low-rent" team of "excessive celebrators" that was a poor representative of the SEC East. Well, honestly, I'd like to politely invite him and so many of Georgia's other critics to kiss my preternaturally toned pink ass. First off, let me remind the gentle reader that the Vandy-V incident was pretty much the first time Mark Richt had had a facial expression all season, and he used it to chew gaping new ones out of every player involved in said incident in an inspiring and, frankly, not a little bit arousing display of passion and devotion to clean, classy football. Let me also remind the gentle reader that Florida is a team that has never hesitated to run up the score, trash-talk on the field, or shit-talk opposing players and coaches to the press, so pardon me if those protestations of bruised sensibilities ring just a little bit hollow. "Discipline, poise, and class," Terence Moore? You can keep 'em. Saturday, the Bulldogs played like a bunch of high school kids throwing the football around the dirt lot for bragging rights and a Co-Cola after the game, and while it's not something I'd like to see every week, it was so unspeakably refreshing that this week -- and just this week -- I'm doing a Trinton Sturdivant butt-dance around the office myself, and I'll probably keep doing it until it stops being fun, or next Saturday, whichever comes first.

On the good, the bad, and the Not-Even-Friday Random Ten: Hella Late edition

One of these is a great way to spend a weekend.

Okay, so I know it's been noticed by at least one reader (which, of course, assumes that I have more than just the one) that I haven't posted all damn week. Yeah, I picked up on that, too. On Monday, I was coming down from the most depressing football weekend in probably a couple of seasons at least - and, yeah, that includes Homecoming last year - and was pretty sure that anything I'd post would violate Blogger's terms of use. On Tuesday, I was fighting work battles, having semi-profane, angry-type, hiss-whispered discussions with coworkers over whether we were actually going to allow Dubya-esque non-grammar into our products. On Wednesday, I was bored and lazy; Thursday was taken up by the mandatory fun of an office luau; Friday was an impromptu day off that I didn't want to interrupt with anything resembling work.

So, to recap: I'm a really lazy person.

Regardless, there were good and bad things about the week. And the weekend, too, for that matter, but in the name of continuity, I'm going to stick with

What's good (for the week ending 10/12/07):
- the almost illicit thrill of running around doing fun errands and self-entertaining while everyone else is at work
- seasonally crisp, cool, sunny fall weather
- soft, fuzzy fleece jackets
- the hot food bar at Whole Foods
- Regina Spektor

What's bad:
- greedy people who take up all three washers at the same time - the laundry room is on the first floor because it's for use by the entire building; if it were your personal laundry room, it's be in your apartment
- just... blearghh

The Ten:

1. Wolfsheim, "Sparrow and Nightingales"
2. Franz Schubert, "Herbst" from Schwanengesang
3. Gioachino Rossini, "O salutaris hostia" from Petite messe solennelle
4. Original Broadway cast of Avenue Q, "I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today"
5. Incubus, "Drive"
6. Cake, "Open Book"
7. The Isely Brothers, "This Old Heart of Mine (Is Weak for You)"
8. Ella Fitgerald, "Slap That Bass"
9. Biter MC, "Outta My Mind"
10. Serge Gainsbourg, "Chez Les Yé-Yé"

What about you? What's good for you this week? What went on with you while I was being so very negligent?

On the good, the bad, and the Friday Random Ten

One of these things is totally adorable.

Okay, so it's been rather the quiet news week this week. No real surprises. The famed September report? Not gonna happen. Shock! Bush knew Saddam didn't have WMD? Shockier! "Wide Stance" Craig still says he's not gay and might not resign after all? Didn't see that coming! Next thing you know, they're going to be telling us that men like hot women.

And just as reliable as Bush's gin-addled alternate reality is Practically Harmless's good, bad, and Ten.

What's good (for the week ending 9/7/07):

- Pavarotti's signature Nessun Dorma (and may angels sings thee to thy rest)
- Herbal Essences True Intense Color in Deep Red
- Georgia 35, Oklahoma State 14
- Appalachian State 34, Michigan 32
- m&ms

What's not good:
- Not knowing where your nuclear warheads are
- The aforementioned liar, a liar with his pants on fire.

The Ten:

1. Sarah McLachlan, "Last Dance"
2. The Verve, "Bittersweet Symphony"
3. Bobby Darin, "I'm Beginning to See the Light"
4. Jump, Little Children, "Angel Dust"
5. Saliva, "Superstar"
6. The Features, "Blow It Out"
7. N.W.A., "Fuck Tha Police"
8. Cal Tjader, "Soul Sauce (Guachi Guaro)"
9. Evelyn "Champagne" King, "Shame"
10. Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky, "Danse napolitaine" from Swan Lake

I thought we were about to get an inadvertent tribute to Pavarotti there for a minute... and then came N.W.A., and it all suddenly means something completely different. Anyway, that's my good and bad; what's good for you this week?

On the good, the bad, and the Friday Random Ten

Okay, so honestly, one of the best things about this week was actually having time to find things that are good and bad. Non-work related things, I mean. I probably could have come up with enough to fill up a list, but unless "those little magnets that look like thumb tacks" and "imposition proofs that leave deep paper cuts" move you deeply, you're probably not going to identify.

I have had time, though, and it's been a pretty good week for news, so this is what I've got for you:

What's good (for the week ending 8/31/07):

- payday
- Vespers
- baby hedgehogs
- another one biting the dust
- the return of college football

What's not good:

- trolling for sex in airport bathrooms
- douchenozzles

The Ten:

1. Vertical Horizon, "Everything You Want"
2. Passengers, "Miss Sarajevo"
3. Christina Aguilera, "What a Girl Wants"
4. Johnny Cash, "I Still Miss Someone"
5. Gioacchino Rossini, "Gloria in excelsis Deo," from Petite messe solennelle
6. Maroon 5, "Secret"
7. Remy Zero, "Belong"
8. Diane Schuur, "Do Nothin' Till You Hear From Me"
9. The Smiths, "Shoplifters of the World Unite"
10. Lisa Loeb, "We Could Still Belong Together"

And what about you? What's good for you this week?

On a pathological case of wishful thinking

Ooh, baby, calculate a way for me to please you.

Okay, so courtesy of Doug comes this link to a guide for women looking to be the "perfect football date." A guide written by a Georgia Tech guy. On being the perfect football date. Anyway, Doug was curious to see my reaction as both a ball-busting feminist and a similarly passionate Georgia fan. I have to say, though, that my feminist card may be in danger, because "And why exactly am I expected to suit my football fandom to your standards?" was only my second thought.

The first one was, of course, "Georgia Tech guy? Date? That's a category error, right?"

I guess I just don't know, though. I mean, some of those guys are going to end up making some money, so it's not unlikely that some girls will find that attractive and will have the foresight to hook up early. For those girls, here's the advice provided by the Ramblin Racket:

First and foremost, to be the perfect date, you have to be a delicious piece of arm candy. Sun dress, high heels, and a pearl necklace are pretty much givens in this instance, and for lots of girls out there, this is how you roll anyway, so far so good.

What not to wear is a lot more broad. Pretty much crummy clothes in general. A t-shirt is poor form, a jersey in most cases is sorta lame, and worst of all are those god awful 'non-functional belts'.

Soooo Kentucky Derby-wear (minus, I'm sure, the distracting hat) is in, and anything comfortable and/or displaying team spirit is right out. Got it. I'm sure those heels'll make it a lot easier to sprint to the keg as we try to

Monitor your date's beverage needs. If he's gettin' low, and you show up with a fresh cold one for him, you will be IN. Also, showing up with a tasty food item will also score huge points with our friends, which is a really good way to get a guy to like you. If his friends like you, you're in good shape.

Fetching drinks. Awesome. I can do that. Anything else?

Study up. That's right, study up, and know who the key players are for your date's team, if not some of the big guns on the other team. Not knowing the rules isn't cute. We don't want to have to explain them to you, and fortunately, a lot of ladies already know what's going on in the game of football, so this shouldn't be much of an issue. You get MAJOR bonus points if you know what penalty was called before it's announced, and a hearty "that's bullshit" objection, while not especially lady-like, will be appreciated in rare instances, if only because guys think its cute when pretty girls get all worked up and let a curse slip out once in a while.

Oh, to think I'm just one naughty word away from being cute! Such a relief. Now, that extensive studying, does that give me the right to school you openly in front of your friends and still be "cute," or would that make your willie shrivel up like a cashew and rocket me into the "uncute" category? 'Cause God knows I want to get this right.

Other game related notes are that you are going to be called upon to smuggle whiskey into the stadium for us. Your objections to any such requests will result in loss of cool points, teasing, and may cause us to offer drinks to hotter girls we might bump into while in the stadium because clearly "you don't get it." Just do yourself a favor and come prepared to smuggle in a flask or two, or don't bother coming at all.

Human Camelbak. Check.

Half time is pretty much our chance to walk around and say 'hey' to people we might not normally see, better looking girls than you included. Don't be offended at our outright flirtations because if we had a chance, we would be at the game with them in the first place. This is when you need to be in full arm candy mode, by the way. I've wanted see your tits pop in that dress all day baby, and half-time is that time. This is important for making dudes jealous, and making those girls we just flirted with second guess themselves (we hope). Remember, as humans we are always trying to trade up to something better, so try to make us look good if you can, thanks.

Let me just recap, 'cause you know I want to get this right: Sundress, heels, pearls, no t-shirts or jerseys, fetch food and drink, know just enough about football to be "cute," hang on his arm to make all the guys jealous and the girls covetous, and never drop the merest hint that you were late to the tailgate because your date was deeply embroiled in a game of Puzzle Pirates with an electrical engineering student two floors down.

In other words, this is hot:


This is not hot:


Spanish fly:


Saltpeter:


Any questions?


And for God's sake, don't mention this.

On the NCAA Rules Committee: This Is Your Soundtrack

Football: Now with 25 percent more football!

Okay, so courtesy of Doug, the NCAA has wisely rid itself of those stupid-ass new rules designed to shorten games not by reducing the number of freaking commercials, because God forbid we should lose precious advertising revenue, but by reducing the amount of time actually spent playing the game. And that's about as vehemently self-righteous as I'm going to get, because I'm actually giving them ups for this clever move; enjoy a thorough breakdown of the proposed new rules and a really disturbing picture of some European cyclists at Every Day Should Be Saturday.

Anyway, that's why this Friday Not-Even-Random Ten goes out to the NCAA Rules Committee for actually doing something that makes the game more enjoyable. I'll gladly extend the honor to any institution that does the same by, say, making season tickets available to the public without requiring a certain donation level first, eh, UGA?

The Ten:

1. Mr. Scruff, "Get a Move On"
2. 311, "Freeze Time"
3. Queen, "Don't Stop Me Now"
4. Arlington Priest, "Time Marches On"
5. Q-Tip, "Breathe and Stop"
6. Psychadelic Furs, "I'll Stop the World"
7. Enya, "Only Time"
8. Howie Day, "Slow Down"
9. Big Audio Dynamite, "Rush"
10. Coldplay, "Clocks"

On Friday Random Everything

Okay, so the week following a holiday can be completely exhausting. I'm sure it's something to do with getting out of the swing of things and then back into them, and maybe to do with all of the food and booze generally consumed on holidays, and something about late nights, perhaps. All I know is that I'm beat, and I think I'm getting a cold, and any of you familiar with my constant companion Nate the Fish should know that he's not long for this world (poor old guy), so this is what you're getting for Friday, and you'll like it.

Anyway.

- C/o Feministing, this bright little gem of hope on a rainy January day:

Check out the look on Denny Hastert's face. Ever classy, looking good, and, as I understand it, wearing purple as a salute to the suffrage movement, Nancy Pelosi is my babydaddy.

- That having been said, I hope this isn't going to predict the tone of all of Pelosi's media coverage from now on. My favorite quote? "Still, some wonder if there isn't too much attention altogether on what Pelosi wears." Psst. Psst, Ms. White...

- So, okay, yeah, speaking of rainy days, tornadoes in Louisiana and tornado watches and cloud rotation in Alabama. In January. During a 66-degree night. But global warming is a myth.

- Check out Doug's series on The 50 Most Loathed People In College Football, because it is hilarious, and he always tells me I'm the better writer and I'm fairly sure he's just saying that because things like this make me disagree entirely.

- When you're done there, run over to RetroJunk ("Your Memory Machine") for the comforting realization that other people live in the past just as much as you do.

- Apparently, Mr. Bush has - ahrem. Mr. Bush... Heehee... Mr. Bush - Pres -

Ahem. Apparently-Mr.-Bush-has-written-a-newspaper-column. (Thanks for that, TBogg.)

- And because I haven't said it yet, go, you freakin' beautiful Georgia Bulldogs. OMG. Indescribable. Won't try.

And now the Random (for once) Ten:

1. The Beatles, "Yellow Submarine"
2. Lords of Acid, "The Real Thing"
3. Train, "Drops of Jupiter"
4. Jamiroquai, "Virtual Insanity"
5. Moby, "Oil 1"
6. Alana Davis, "Crazy"
7. Otis Redding, "Try a Little Tenderness"
8. The Temptations, "Just My Imagination (Running Away With Me)"
9. Madonna, "The Power of Goodbye"
10. Howie Day, "End of Our Days"

On day jobs

Okay, so I'd like to announce, and I'm sure Birmingham media will soon confirm, that I've entered into consideration for the head coaching job at the University of Alabama. I hope to soon accept a contract that will provide $2 million a year over a period of no less than six years, plus incentives as well as salary increases for my coaching staff to be determined later.

I know this announcement comes as a shock to many of you who know how much I enjoy my current job. In my five short months at UAB, I've become quite close to my coworkers, I've found my work to be satisfying and fulfilling, and I've settled into a seriously bomb-ass apartment. However, succeeding Mike Shula as head coach of such a storied football program as the Crimson Tide is an opportunity that would be difficult to turn down.

Note that I say difficult. I'm sure there are incentives that could convince me to remain at the UAB job I've come to love. Without committing to anything, I can comfortably say that a raise of nine percent or so, a larger office (with comfier desk chair), and a designated parking space in the deck would make my departure from UAB a significantly less done deal. And again, without committing to anything, I'd be more than happy to meet with our managing director to discuss it further. But boy, that Bama job is looking awfully tempting...


Aww, yeah. That's the stuff.

On gratitude

Okay, so obviously, this past week was the one for giving thanks, and I'm not going to bother going through all of the traditional dinner-table I'm-thankful-for stuff; nobody particularly cares, and anyone who does care just has to ask. But there were definitely a couple or three standouts over the long holiday weekend, and I wanted to shine a thankful spotlight on them.

Reggie Ball. Yeah, you saw that coming. Or, as we were chanting Saturday night, "Reggie Ball, Reggie Ball, Reggie Ball." Or, as 90,000-some-odd Georgia fans were chanting, "Reg-gie! Reg-gie! Reg-gie!" Or, as many of our fellow tailgaters were chanting, "Thank you Reg-gie!" (clap, clap, clap-clap). And for that variety in available cheers, I am also grateful.

Honestly, the sixth win in a row felt just as good as the first five (a fact on which I was meditating as I swung wildly from the Victory Bell following the game), but the whipped cream and sprinkles were added by the fact that, Georgia's own performance aside, we had the game handed to us by one of the biggest dickwads in the ACC. Yes, the victory was hard-won, and it was a nail-biter right down to the last thirty seconds, but after hearing so much crap about Reggie Ball and Calvin Johnson and the all-'round superiority of Tech's football program and the inevitable pounding we should have been preparing to receive, watching Paul Oliver make the entire Tech offense into his bitchez was unspeakably satisfying. Doug likes to say that this is a reminder of why we're Georgia and they're Georgia Tech.


(Concept blatantly ganked from Doug)

Daniel Craig's chest. I'll freely admit that I had my reservations about Casino Royale, particularly about Daniel Craig as the newest incarnation of James Bond. He was just so rough. So unrefined. So blond. But I am one to freely admit my mistakes, and I became eminently confident in his ability to fill those shoes the moment he emerged, glistening, from the ocean in nothing more than the briefest of swim trunks. And with Craig starring as the rough, raw, new-to-the-double-oh Bond, the movie rocked as hard as any I've seen. Stylistically, it was somewhat set aside from other Bond films, but it made for an excellent prequel and answered a lot of burning Bond questions. How did he get his start? What's up with the martinis? Where'd the Aston Martin come from? Why is he such a pimp? All will be answered.

My only complaint was that the title sequence lacked the writhing mudflap silhouettes so emblematic of the Bond oeuvre (not that the silhouettes themselves do anything for me, but c'mon, y'all, what would Nike be without the swoosh?) and that the theme song was the worst Bond theme evah. That's just personal preference, though; I think that any Bond theme that you can't imagine as sung by Shirley Bassey is inadequate. "The World Is Not Enough"? Sure. This'n? Not so much.


In a tux, out of a tux, I'm not picky

Mom's cheese grits. Recipe here. I have a fiery, passionate love affair with those grits, but it's also bittersweet, because every time I eat them, I think about the millions of people in the world who will go through life never knowing the joy of those grits. Make up a batch yourself and see if they aren't just the cat's pajamas; the trick is to let the grits thicken sufficiently before stirring in the rest of the ingredients and throwing the whole thing in the oven.

The watchful eye of the Almighty. That whubbada-whubbada-whubbada sound as headed north out of Montgomery was, in fact, a portent of things to come. There's actually a lot of gratitude here:

1. That the tire blew Sunday afternoon, not Saturday night in the cold and the pitch dark on the side of I-85.
2. That the car didn't flip over like, well, the Aston Martin in the most recent Bond flick when the tire shredded like George Allen's presidential hopes at 70 mph.
3. That Volkswagen equips its Jettas with full-sized spare tires, saving us the hassle of puttering 80 miles to Birmingham doing 55 in post-holiday traffic.
4. That I wasn't dragging said spare out of the trunk in my lovely, handmade, gleaming white boatneck sweater - oh, wait, check that; this massive smear of brake dust, grease, and assorted automotive filth on my sleeves seems to indicate otherwise.
5. That Jenna didn't pee herself waiting for Doug and me to get the tire changed.
6. That I didn't pee myself during that same time period.

Thou couldst also use an oil change, prolly, when thou gets the chance

The Washington Redskins. 17-13 over the Carolina Panthers, with n00b QB Jason Campbell calling his own play in the fourth quarter for 66 yards and a touchdown. I still don't know if I like him, but I sure love him.

Leftovers.

I hope everyone had an equally lovely weekend. Tuesday night's at my place for Nip/Tuck and plenty of Thanksgiving leftovers; everyone's welcome, but anyone showing up with that crappy canned cranberry sauce isn't coming through the door.

On - on - but I - with the - I didn't...

Okay, so Saturday, everyone was all - and me, too, I was - but - and - there was - and, oh, so cold - rain, oh, my gosh - but - and I wasn't even going to, but - I did - and - and -

and we were all



and our D was all



and oh, my gosh, you know? And then Tra Battle was all



and we were all, "Aaaaaaugh!" And Kregg was all



and then Matt Stafford - Matt Stafford - was all



and



and



and they were all



and we were all



and Mark Richt was all



and it was all



and oh, my gosh, it was awesome.

On things of which we will not speak

Okay, so... Umm...

Hey, look at this!

On the Georgia Bulldogs: This Is Your Soundtrack

Okay, so I realize that Doug got there first, and I do want you to make it over there for his views on Saturday's Georgia-Tennessee game. I think it's going to be a corker, and I firmly believe (and I'm not an optimist, now) that Georgia can pull it off as long as they really commit to playing football in the first second of the first quarter, rather than napping/slacking/screwing up through the entire first half and then scrambling like mad to make up.

Come on, guys. Doug only has so many expandable appliances.

Doug has some good advice for the Dawgs, namely for the defense to keep doin' what they doin' and for the offense to get in the freaking game already, and for Coach Richt (may his towels always be soft and fluffy even when he forgets the fabric softener) to have a little more consistency with his QBs. I personally would like to see Mark (may he find a twenty in a pair of pants he hasn't worn since last fall) calling things a little less conservatively; if you're worried about the strength of T3's arm, give him linesmen who'll give him time to set up, and if you're worried about Stafford's lack of control on long balls, give him a receiver who'll be under the ball when he throws it long. It's a cliche, I know, but expect great things of these guys, and you'll get great results, 'cause they're cool like that.

Now, for the record, I'm just a caveman. Your world frightens and confuses me. But everyone is entitled to their own backseat coaching once in a while, so here's mine:

Give JoeT3 a big hug and send him out onto the field. Line him up with Daniel Inman and Ken Shackleford, and tell them that their future with the team depends on the number of orange helmets they're able to bring back to the locker room. Put Martrez Milner and Danny Ware out where Joe can see 'em, then give the ball to Kregg Lumpkin.

I like the strategy to give him a half and a possession to really find a rhythm. Should that rhythm not be forthcoming, I'd want Matt Stafford overthrowing to someone who can overrun him, and to me, that means Thomas Brown or A.J. Bryant. Ideally, though, I'd say give the ball to Kregg Lumpkin.

Ginger Joe Cox, bless his heart, I'd pump full of beta blockers and tell him to give the ball to... Well, you get it.

And while I'm here, can I just say that the brilliant idea of shortening games by starting the clock as soon as the ball is marked for play after a change of possession is brilliant on the scale of New Coke and "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire"? Call me crazy, but an ideal way to shorten a football game is probably not so much to spend less time playing football but maybe - just maybe - to quit stopping the game so viewers at home can hear this very special message from Papa John's.

Ugh.

Anyway, for a game like this one, a Bonus Friday Not-Even-Random Ten is in order, and this one is dedicated to the 2006 Georgia Bulldogs and to Coach Richt (may his Vegas exploits forever remain in Vegas). Sniff. I love y'all! Tear their heads off, guys.

1. The Charlie Daniels Band, "The Devil Came Down to Georgia"
2. Lo-Fidelity Allstars, "Battle Flag"
3. Q-Tip, "Go Hard"
4. Big Audio Dynamite, "Rush"
5. Gorillaz, "Rock the House"
6. Cake, "The Distance"
7. Queen, "Don't Stop Me Now"
8. 311, "Strong All Along"
9. Guster, "The Prize"
10. Kaiser Chiefs, "I Predict a Riot"

Your Ten, your weekend football predictions, your whatever go below.