It's David freaking Caruso. It's also the incredible amounts of cleavage displayed by women who, with their jobs that involve crawling around on the floor and bending over dead bodies and crouching over microscopes and whatnot, might normally be inclined to tuck those puppies away lest they make a run for it, but mostly, it's David freaking Caruso. Why do I so dislike David freaking Caruso?
We'll let s.z. tell you, because she doesn't like him any more than I do:
We hate the way he talks — both the way David Caruso reads a line, and the stupid lines they give him to read. For instance, one his team will say something obvious like, “Hey, a dead body!” And EVERY TIME Horatio will reply with something portentous and pompous, like “Not dead … murdered. And it’s our job to catch murderers.” He’ll say it like everybody should be thanking him for pointing this out, because they’re, like, such idiots that without him they would have thought their job was to wear designer clothes and look hot. Oh, wait, that IS their job.
And then crime scene investigator Horatio will single-handedly wrestle a gang of murderous rappers to the ground, and will later later show up at their execution so he can quip something like, “You thought it was cool to hook kids on crack. Let’s see how cool you are in the electric chair, my friend.”
And then he will promise some cute little kid that he, Horatio Caine, will make sure that the kid never gets scared by anything ever again in his life. And then he will be sadly misunderstood by the Italian supermodel/cop who is the widow of his junkie brother, and spend the last five minutes of the program brooding about how life is, like, so unfair.
Yeah, that pretty much covers it. And that's why I was so unspeakably chuffed at the link to the following video, a compilation of David Caruso’s Greatest Sunglasses Putting On Moments from CSI: Miami.
"Or maybe..." (sunglasses) "... he was taken for a ride."
1. Sarah Vaughan, "Polka Dots and Moonbeams"
2. The Beatles, "She Loves You"
3. Alana Davis, "Blame It On Me"
4. Bee Gees, "Staying Alive"
5. Train, "Drops of Jupiter"
6. Athenaeum, "So Long"
7. A Tribe Called Quest, "Phony Rappers"
8. The Dandy Warhols, "Bohemian Like You"
9. Sir Mix-A-Lot, "Baby Got Back"
10. Jump, Little Children, "House Our Father Knew"
Incidentally, my woeful poverty is keeping me in town over the holiday, which isn't entirely bad. While a large body of water would be appreciated, it's nice to avoid the hassle of holiday travel. A few of us are getting together for a brunch at the park on Monday before it gets really hot out, but we're kind of stuck for portable brunch-y options. If all you've got are croissants and Bloody Marys, does it count as a picnic?
Your Ten, your weekend plans, and your brunch suggestions go in comments.