Monday, March 31, 2008

On those ginormous freaking Wakefield sisters

Okay, so any young woman who picked up more than one Sweet Valley High book in her day can probably tell you exactly, precisely what Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield looked like -- eyes the same blue as the ocean, wavy blonde hair, and "perfect" (always "perfect;" Francine Pascal had some less-than-creative ghostwriters) size-6 figures.

The hideous fat cows.

Thank God Random House is doing something about it. In honor of the re-release of the Sweet Valley High series, the book covers are getting a makeover (with a new cover model) and those lardass Wakefield sisters are getting some work done of their own.
To publicize the re-release of teen fiction series Sweet Valley High, Random House Children's Books sent a letter to journalists highlighting the changes made to the content of the 1980s paperbacks. New cover girl Leven Rambin (pictured) was not mentioned, but just to make sure preteen and teenaged girl readers are sufficiently insecure about their bodies, the publisher made the "perfect" clothing size a couple of notches more restrictive. It seems kids in the 80s lived by totally fat standards. Also, Sweet Valley High students now have their own anonymous blog, presumably to hatefully bully the fattest of their classmates.

A letter from Random House notes that those portly twins have slimmed down to a "perfect" size 4. They've also traded their red Fiat Spyder in for a red Jeep Wrangler, and Liz's job has moved from the student newspaper to the student Web site and her own gossip blog.

Because God forbid we should give our daughters inaccurate accounts of the unnatural physical standards to which they will be held. No reason for them to be spared the misery of poor body image just because they're reading out-of-date teen novels. Keep an eye out for Sweet Valley High books in which Jessica gets roofied and date-raped by Bruce Patman, Todd makes Elizabeth get breast implants (forcing Jessica to get them, too, so that they can continue their periodic twin-swapping routine), and Enid learns a very important lesson about self-respect after a drunken stint on Girls Gone Wild.

While we're rewriting history, someone should probably tell those tubby Babysitters Club chicks that it's time to hit the gym (except for Stacey, of course, who's had the advantage of diabetic skinniness since Book 3). And does Nancy Drew do Pilates? 'Cause she really might want to start. I'm not sayin' that Ned would have proposed already if it weren't for the excess junkage in her detective trunkage; I'm just sayin'.


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