Friday, August 31, 2007

On a pathological case of wishful thinking

Ooh, baby, calculate a way for me to please you.

Okay, so courtesy of Doug comes this link to a guide for women looking to be the "perfect football date." A guide written by a Georgia Tech guy. On being the perfect football date. Anyway, Doug was curious to see my reaction as both a ball-busting feminist and a similarly passionate Georgia fan. I have to say, though, that my feminist card may be in danger, because "And why exactly am I expected to suit my football fandom to your standards?" was only my second thought.

The first one was, of course, "Georgia Tech guy? Date? That's a category error, right?"

I guess I just don't know, though. I mean, some of those guys are going to end up making some money, so it's not unlikely that some girls will find that attractive and will have the foresight to hook up early. For those girls, here's the advice provided by the Ramblin Racket:
First and foremost, to be the perfect date, you have to be a delicious piece of arm candy. Sun dress, high heels, and a pearl necklace are pretty much givens in this instance, and for lots of girls out there, this is how you roll anyway, so far so good.

What not to wear is a lot more broad. Pretty much crummy clothes in general. A t-shirt is poor form, a jersey in most cases is sorta lame, and worst of all are those god awful 'non-functional belts'.

Soooo Kentucky Derby-wear (minus, I'm sure, the distracting hat) is in, and anything comfortable and/or displaying team spirit is right out. Got it. I'm sure those heels'll make it a lot easier to sprint to the keg as we try to
Monitor your date's beverage needs. If he's gettin' low, and you show up with a fresh cold one for him, you will be IN. Also, showing up with a tasty food item will also score huge points with our friends, which is a really good way to get a guy to like you. If his friends like you, you're in good shape.

Fetching drinks. Awesome. I can do that. Anything else?
Study up. That's right, study up, and know who the key players are for your date's team, if not some of the big guns on the other team. Not knowing the rules isn't cute. We don't want to have to explain them to you, and fortunately, a lot of ladies already know what's going on in the game of football, so this shouldn't be much of an issue. You get MAJOR bonus points if you know what penalty was called before it's announced, and a hearty "that's bullshit" objection, while not especially lady-like, will be appreciated in rare instances, if only because guys think its cute when pretty girls get all worked up and let a curse slip out once in a while.

Oh, to think I'm just one naughty word away from being cute! Such a relief. Now, that extensive studying, does that give me the right to school you openly in front of your friends and still be "cute," or would that make your willie shrivel up like a cashew and rocket me into the "uncute" category? 'Cause God knows I want to get this right.
Other game related notes are that you are going to be called upon to smuggle whiskey into the stadium for us. Your objections to any such requests will result in loss of cool points, teasing, and may cause us to offer drinks to hotter girls we might bump into while in the stadium because clearly "you don't get it." Just do yourself a favor and come prepared to smuggle in a flask or two, or don't bother coming at all.

Human Camelbak. Check.
Half time is pretty much our chance to walk around and say 'hey' to people we might not normally see, better looking girls than you included. Don't be offended at our outright flirtations because if we had a chance, we would be at the game with them in the first place. This is when you need to be in full arm candy mode, by the way. I've wanted see your tits pop in that dress all day baby, and half-time is that time. This is important for making dudes jealous, and making those girls we just flirted with second guess themselves (we hope). Remember, as humans we are always trying to trade up to something better, so try to make us look good if you can, thanks.

Let me just recap, 'cause you know I want to get this right: Sundress, heels, pearls, no t-shirts or jerseys, fetch food and drink, know just enough about football to be "cute," hang on his arm to make all the guys jealous and the girls covetous, and never drop the merest hint that you were late to the tailgate because your date was deeply embroiled in a game of Puzzle Pirates with an electrical engineering student two floors down.

In other words, this is hot:

This is not hot:

Spanish fly:


Any questions?

And for God's sake, don't mention this.

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