Friday, September 03, 2004

On the President's speech

Okay, so this might just shock the poo out of some of my regular readers (and when I say "regular readers", I should really just say, "Hi, Daddy!"), but President Bush's speech last night really didn't get my panties in a wad. Why? Because I cut out near the end to watch "The Daily Show." No! Because he didn't say anything that could or should enflame anyone one way or the other. He just said basic, y'know, Republican-type campaign stuff. His campaign speech could have been shortened to, "I support bunnies, sunny days, small children in yellow rain slickers, and chocolate. If elected, I'll give everyone in America a zillion dollars and a pony." No real breakthroughs, nothing earth shattering, certainly none of the Zellfire and damnation of the night before (and, speaking of the Man Without a Country, it would appear that the Republicans are backing away from Zell just as fast as the Democrats can shove him away with both hands).

Regardless, a couple of phrases did raise eyebrows in the Practically Harmless household (the household that consists of Nate the Fish and myself). As a service to the public, I present you with the Practically Harmless Handy Dandy Presidential Translator:

"To create jobs, we will make our country less dependent on foreign sources of energy." ... by reducing our protected national wildlands to a smoldering wasteland dotted with curiously phallic oil wells.

"And we must protect small business owners and workers from the explosion of frivolous lawsuits that threaten jobs across America." ... which became desperately important to me the moment Karl told me that Edwards is a trial lawyer.

"To stand with workers in poor communities -- and those that have lost manufacturing, textile, and other jobs -- we will create American opportunity zones." ... because an entire land of opportunity just isn't cost-efficient.

"In a new term, we will change outdated labor laws to offer comp-time and flex-time. Our laws should never stand in the way of a more family-friendly workplace." For instance, with the money my brother saves handing out comp time instead of overtime, he can take my family on a vacation in his new boat.

"We must strengthen Social Security by allowing younger workers to save some of their taxes in a personal account -- a nest egg you can call your own, and government can never take away." The only way to protect this vital government safety net is to phase it out and make people get their own damn safety nets.

"No dejaremos a ningún niño atrás." That was Spanish. I'm compassionate.

"... [T]here are some things my opponent is for -- he's proposed more than two trillion dollars in new federal spending so far, and that's a lot, even for a senator from Massachusetts. To pay for that spending, he is running on a platform of increasing taxes..." Not me. When I propose federal spending, I cut taxes way back and depend on my faith in Jesus to balance the budget.

"And I will continue to appoint federal judges who know the difference between personal opinion and the strict interpretation of the law." ... and who will be careful to always codify my personal opinion.

"Members of both political parties, including my opponent and his running mate, saw the threat, and voted to authorize the use of force. " Specifically, they voted to give me the power to use force, and boy, was that a mistake.

"Because we acted to defend our country, the murderous regimes of Saddam Hussein and the Taliban are history..." ... except, of course, for those Taliban that are still in Afghanistan blowing people up.

"... [T]he Senator said, "I actually did vote for the 87 billion dollars before I voted against it." Then he said he was "proud" of that vote. Then, when pressed, he said it was a "complicated" matter. There is nothing complicated about supporting our troops in combat." Especially when you're cutting taxes and paying for the war with Jesus money.

"During our emotional visit one of the Iraqi men used his new prosthetic hand to slowly write out, in Arabic, a prayer for God to bless America." I tore up the prayer and set it on fire, because we don't need blessings from his evil heathen god.

"One thing I have learned about the presidency is that whatever shortcomings you have, people are going to notice them -- and whatever strengths you have, you're going to need them." I'm working hard to develop some in time for the election.

"God bless you, and may God continue to bless America." 'Cause if I win in November, we're gonna need it.

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