On the apocalypse, nowish

Okay, so I know I'm not the only person who saw pictures of the two-headed Egyptian baby and came to the conclusion that the end is pretty much nigh. Upon further research, however, I discovered that two-headed babies of any nationality aren't, in fact, apocalyptic prophecy; they're not mentioned in Revelations at all. And that got me thinking: how will we really know when the end is upon us?

As best as I can figure, we can look out for twenty signs:

Signs from the seven seals of the apocalypse:
1. Counterfeit baptisms, bibles, messiahs and holy days; false prophets who possess miracle-working powers will proclaim the name of Jesus but not follow His commandments.

2. War, bloodshed and revolution; world wars will involve many nations might annihiliate "all flesh" from the planet.
3. Famine; prices for life's necessities will spiral to unbelievable levels.

4. Pestilence, disease
5. Persecution of God's chosen people

Celestial signs:
6. Great earthquake
7. Sun turning black (coming March 2006)
8. Moon turning red
9. Stars falling from the sky
10. Sky rolling back like a curtain
11. God's servants being sealed on their foreheads


Destruction of the earth:
12. One-third of the earth, trees and grass will burn.
13. One-third of the sea will turn to blood, fish will die, ships will sink, and rivers will turn bitter.
14. One-third of the sun, moon and stars will go dark.
15. An evil host led by Abaddon the King will emerge from the Abyss to torture mankind for five months.

16. One-third of mankind will be killed.
17. The Holy City (Jerusalem) will be trampled for 42 months.
18. The Beast (the Antichrist) will emerge from the Abyss.
19. Jesus will come back and throw an unholy beating down on the Antichrist.
20. Peace will reign for a thousand years.

All of which puts us at a solid 10 out of 20 signs of an impending apocalypse. Obviously, we don't need to be running out to confession all at once, but it wouldn't be a bad thing to keep our eyes open for moons turning red, rivers turning bitter and Jesus returning to lay the smackdown on Ann Coulter.

Today's Apocalyptic Index: 50