Okay, so everyone is going a little bit apocalypse wacky of late. NBC is running Revelations every Wednesday, preceeded by specials on faith and religion and exorcisms and the Rapture and anything else that might spotlight the loony fringe of religious society and thus cast a shadow of kookiness over the rest of us. Some claim that our new Pope Benedict XVI is St. Malachy's "Glory of the Olive," the second-to-last Pope before the end of the world.
But I want to make something perfectly clear: we here at Practically Harmless are watching your back. We've spent countless minutes poring over ancient texts on the Internet and compiling a list of signs of the apocalypse, convenitently provided as an Apocalyptic Index for future reference (as of today, it still sits at 50). And while these other sources certainly get points for creativity, it must be said that the ersatz apocalyptic omens they're throwing around aren't actually mentioned in the book of Revelations. So now, as a companion piece to the Apocalyptic Index, I give you:
Weird Stuff That Nonetheless Is Not a Sign of the Apocalypse
1. Dude cuts off finger, does... not... bleeeeeed!
2. Severed fingers in chili (hoax) or custard (not hoax)
3. Exploding toads
4. Britney Spears reproducing
5. Michelle Malkin hears about President Bush masturbating a horse and flips out
Well, okay, maybe that last one.