Tuesday, January 31, 2006

On opinions, which we all know are very much like anuses

Okay, so it's all over but the Democratic response, which is being delivered by new Virginia governor Tim Kaine in such an unenthusiastic way - I fear he may actually suck the charisma out of me - that I almost forget that I agree with a lot of what he says. The thing about equipping our troops with sufficient armor and intelligence? Yo. If he starts talking about gay rights, though, I might have to start paying attention, 'cause I know he's not a fan.

As for the President's address, though, I can't say there was anything spectacular about it. It was pretty much as I expected - about 25 minutes, stretched out to about 50 by applause, during which the President had a free rostrum to say anything he wanted without anyone checking up on him. Oh, except Think Progress; they live-blogged it with footnotes and everything.

Things in the SOTU that made me almost drop my beer:

9:13 - When did the isolationists and protectionists start to gain prominence? Have I been missing something?
9:14 - "Democracies ... respect the rights of their citizens and their neighbors." Um, yes. Yes, they do. I understand it's catching on.
9:25 - I know he didn't just give the ol' grin-and-wink to Dan Clay's family. The man's sister is up there with tears in her eyes, and our president is all, "That one's for you, cutie."
9:28 - We're holding up Saudi Arabia as a bastion of burgeoning democracy?
9:39 - Aaaand of course we want to make the tax cuts permanent. And cut the deficit in half by 2009. Has he seen the deficit? Has he heard of it?
9:57 - Laura, I love you like the sun loves the flower, for serious I do. From now on, when anyone wants to put you in pastels, you tell them no. Saturated colors make you look fierce.

And now preliminary numbers on today's well-intentioned but poorly-thought-out drinking-game-esque pledge (official numbers on applause and standing ovations are still pending):

Terrorists: 9
Iran: 4
Hamas: 1 (x $5)
Free elections in Palestine: 1 (x $5)
nucular: 3
freedom: 17 (holy shit)
terrorist surveillance: 2
protect: 6
security: 7
Social Security: 3 (x $5)
bipartisan: 2
inappropriate smiling: 5
Osama bin Laden: 2 (x $10)

Early numbers find a cool (and conveniently round) $100 going to the Wounded Warrior Project. Additional money will be added as soon as I have official numbers on pauses for applause (unofficially numbering 58, down 8 from 2005) and standing ovations. As a reminder, we're giving 25 cents for every pause for applause and 50 cents for every standing O, with a full buck going to that Democratic ovation for the failure of Bush's Social Security plan. Why? Because it's my money, and the bitch in me was cheering.

Update: The final count is in, the numbers are as confirmed as they're gonna get, and here's what they are: 65 total pauses for applause, 43 standing ovations (for a total of 24 minutes that observers were standing up when they could have been letting the man talk and get it over with). Of those standing O's, I counted eight that were Repub-only, and one that was Dem-only (the aforementioned Social Security snub). That's another $27.50, bringing our grand total to $127.50. That's enough to buy one backpack full of toiletries and personal items for a soldier who got wounded and shipped home in his uniform, with $28 left over to start on the next one. We can thank Bush and his speechwriters for being so damned repetitive.

One final thing that I somehow managed to miss last night: Did he really say "creating human-animal hybrids"? Is this our main biotech concern right now? When we're done in Iraq, are we immediately turning our attention to the armies of Squid-Men threatening our borders?

And, um, if we are experimenting with hybrids, can someone clone me up one of these?



Mmmm. Needs to call me.

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