Friday, February 03, 2006

On secondhand dating

Okay, so Amanda over at Pandagon mentions (in passing) an article at by a guy who, we can assume, has only dated characters on network sitcoms between 8:00 and 9:00:
If you think men bond over beer and sports, flatulence, and the ability to work two curse words into every sentence, you're off the mark. The ties that really bind men are the varied idiosyncrasies belonging to their girlfriends and wives. The habits we struggle to comprehend are what make women, women.

Here's a list of 17 of the most annoying and endearing of them all. And don't kid yourself: When she gets together with her friends to compare bikini waxes, a good chunk of that time is spent talking smack about little old you.

Don't kid yourself; we do have things to talk about that are more important than you. And if any smack talk is going on, it's generally because you're a schmuck. But don't take my word for it; read the rest of the article.
1. Bathroom crap
Loofahs, potpourri and peppermint foot scrub exfoliant spiked with Shea butter are among the products the fairer sex like to stick in their bathrooms to the detriment of the world's water supply. Give us a toothbrush and some soap and we're good. It's a woman's need for excess that drives us to the brink.

Guys, have you ever snuggled up to a girl and said, "Mmm, you smell great"? Ever run your hands through her hair and not gotten your fingers snarled? Ever enjoyed the benefits of assorted hairless body parts? Do you think all of that happens by itself? Not to spoil the sense of mystery, but women's skin doesn't automatically exude the scent of vanilla. "A woman's need for excess"? Just about everything you like about your girlfriend's body is a result of that "bathroom crap," and if she didn't use it, you'd be bitching.
4. Sleepovers
Nothing puts a smile on her face quite like the prospect of warming your bed like a Dutch oven. They snore, squirm and generally rob you of an otherwise perfectly good night's sleep. Love's so not the point when they wake up rested and you wake up red-eyed and groggy.

This one is easily solved, although something tells me that this guy isn't getting a whole lot of sleepovers anyway. If any of you men are offended by the presence of a warm female body in your bed, I truly apologize.
7. Shoes
Women place so much stock in footwear, but with so much else to look at, when was the last time you took a gander at a woman's feet? In fact, unless you're ready for your big debut on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy , the first time you'll notice her Manolo Blahniks is when they're at the foot of your bed. Sneakers and dress shoes have always done us right, so why do women have to go and complicate things?

Hey, we rarely look at your feet, but we do notice when you're wearing crappy, scuffed, ten-year-old Bass loafers to Nikolai's Roof. If your girlfriend went out in a strapless minidress and scuffed Pumas, you'd sure as hell notice, and don't pretend you wouldn't.
9. Fad workouts
Before pilates there was Tae Bo and before Tae Bo there was yoga. Women hop from fad workout to fad workout like J.Lo hops to and from husbands. Here's to hoping your woman is more loyal to you than she is to the ever-changing world of "hot today; not tomorrow" exercise regimens.

For the record, we do notice that beer gut; we're just too polite to mention it. We know we can't trust you to do the same, though, thus the Tae Bo, the yoga, the Pilates, the kickboxing, and whatever else we do to look good in the aforementioned minidress. If you'd really prefer that your girlfriend not exercise, give her a couple of weeks and see what you think. Hopefully, she'll lose about 180 pounds of ugly fat right away.
10. Gay guys
On NBC's popular sitcom, Will & Grace , as well as other TV shows, prominent gay characters are popping up and garnering impressive female followings. Where we're indifferent, women are fascinated.

His number 2 complaint is shopping, and now he's griping about gay guys? He should be singing their praises. What sane woman takes her boyfriend shopping? What does he know about fashion? The gay guys are the ones saving you breeders from the indignities of a two-hour Banana Republic shopping spree.
16. Carrie Bradshaw
Sarah Jessica Parker's on-screen character seems to be every urban woman's idol. She's witty, cool and impeccably dressed. She's also a bed-hopping, chain-smoking, self-obsessed megalomaniac. Great role model.

I've never actually been a fan of Sex and the City, probably because I manage to have Carrie's job without having her income. But one thing that can be said for the show is that, in the very beginning, it launched a mini-sexual revolution of sorts among women who wished that they could be Samantha-promiscuous and ended up closer to Carrie-experimental. For better or worse, a certain subsection of women have become more uninhibited as a result of that show; if you don't really like that in a woman, I suppose you're welcome to your opinion.
17. Cosmopolitans
The drink that refuses to go out of style (mostly because millions of women refuse to let it) is really just a fancy way of making a Cape Codder (cranberry and vodka). The only addition is a splash of Triple Sec and lime juice, in case you want to shake her the perfect one yourself. It's worth noting that overpriced coffee-based beverages featuring the word "mochaccino" are the daytime version of the famed "Cosmo." Why women aren't satisfied with a simple concoction -- vodka on the rocks, a cup of coffee -- is beyond us, and the root of much aggravation.

Considering the amount of alcohol this guy probably needs to get a woman in bed, he should be glad she's got a favorite cocktail at all.
men vs. women
Our relationship with female characteristics is love-hate. Their inane little habits may drive you to the brink, but if your woman doesn't display at least some affection for former boy band members and scented candles, it might be time to take another look under the hood.

So men, don't forget: women are, to a one, shopaholic, blabbering, over-emotional, and superficial, obsessed with boy bands, soap operas, Cosmo magazine, girl drinks and trendy religions. And if we're not like this, there's something wrong with us. I hereby apologize to every guy I've ever dated for the sins of shaving my legs, working out, enjoying football, smelling good, and knowing more about cars than you. Allow me to introduce my replacement:

Yes. you, honey.

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