Wednesday, May 10, 2006

On obnoxious bleating

Okay, so this post actually has nothing to do with Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter or the Republican National Committee. No, it has to do with cars, and with ads. Specifically, with car ads. Specifically, this car ad, which I've heard best described as "morse code spasmed and seizured and coughed up this ass-basket of a song."

"Ass-basket." Must write down for future use.

Anyway, this one is worth an open letter.

Dear heartless bastards at JWT,

You have made the world a worse place. Because of a choice you made, the world as a whole is ever-so-slightly less bright, less pleasant, and the English-speaking, television-watching world may never recover.

I understand that it's hard to resist when a pretty blonde girl sends you a copy of her song. I'm sure your first reaction was, "Ooh, pretty blonde girl, song about driving. Awesome!" However, upon actually listening to the song and realizing that it sounded rather like a duck being raked across a cheese grater, your reaction should have been to throw the CD with great force into the nearest incinerator. No, sirs, not trash can - incinerator. Such things cannot be allowed continued existence.

Instead, though, you went completely in the other direction and made an ad out of it. This is unforgivable. The song is heinous. It's obnoxious. The lead singer's voice makes my eardrums actually spasm, resulting in a strange vibrating sensation in the side of my head and a sound kind of like a helicopter in a Vietnam War movie, which is unpleasant but thankfully drowns out the sound of the ad. I have no choice but to boycott not only Ford, but also your other clients, including Kraft, Estee Lauder, Nestle and Pfizer, until this monstrosity is taken off the air (I will continue to patronize Cadbury and Smirnoff as a show of good faith).

The band has been compared to "the B-52s on a gallon of espresso." This is because they made the comparison themselves; no reaonably intelligent ten-year-old would make the same mistake. I'd be more likely to compare it to the time when I was eleven and my friend Allie and I decided to make our own radio show using the intercom in our house. As is obvious from watching the ad, the band desperately hopes they look and sound like the B-52s, much in the same way that I desperately hope that I look like Charlize Theron when I wake up in the morning.

Lead singer Cheri D has said, "We want it [the song] to lead to a big shiny bus so we can go all over the USA and beep for everybody." Heartless bastards at JWT, only you can keep this from happening. Pull the ad. Pull the ad.

Pull the ad.

Every time that horrendous bleating wakes my dog from a sound sleep, I curse you by name.

Much love,

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