On why you shouldn't marry me

Okay, so despite the fact that I am obviously a high-quality woman, I'm (apparently) unmarriageable to a high-quality man. At least the quality of man who reads Forbes, anyway. 'Cause here's what editor Michael Noer has to say about marrying career women:

1. You are less likely to get married to her.
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2. If you do marry, you are more likely to get divorced.
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3. She is more likely to cheat on you.
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4. You are much less likely to have kids.
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5. If you do have kids, your wife is more likely to be unhappy.
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6. Your house will be dirtier.
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7. You'll be unhappy if she makes more money than you.
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8. She will be unhappy if she makes more money than you.
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9. You are more likely to fall ill.

And all of these assertions are "backed up" (and yeah, those are finger-quotes) with "evidence" (there they are again) cherry-picked from no fewer than thirteen different articles, papers, and books with no reference given to correlation or methodology. Basically, the Noer found whatever statistics he could pull from whatever source would support his contention that all of these "careerist" women should be home popping out babies and making him his damn supper.

"Just, whatever you do," he says, "don't marry a woman with a career."

"Mikey," I says, "no freaking problem."

For the purposes of his article, Noer defines a "woman with a career," otherwise known as an "spinster hellbeast," as a woman with a college education, a full-time job, and $30,000 or more a year. I'm sure a lot of you guys out there will be interested to know that your current girlfriend, whom you thought was the girl of your dreams, will actually cheat on you, resent you for your salary, not give you babies, somehow cause you to become ill, and not marry you anyway (not necessarily in that order).

Jill at Feministe does a pretty good job of pulling apart Slate's defense of the article, which claims that Noer wasn't being sexist - the headline "Don't marry a career woman" could have meant a lot of things! Note to Jack Shafer: any explanation that starts with "Before my female readers break their nails pounding out angry e-mails to me" is going to end in heartache. Or testicle-ache.

But kindly allow me to explain, on behalf of my fellow unmarriageable careerist eternaspinsters, to Michael Noer and to everyone who might be inclined to agree with him, why he's full of shit:

1. You are less likely to get married to her. Because she can do better.

2. If you do marry, you are more likely to get divorced. Because when she realizes what a schmuck you are, she can afford to get out.

3. She is more likely to cheat on you. Because you're a schmuck, and she can do better. But she'll probably divorce you first.

4. You are much less likely to have kids. Because who'd want to subject poor, innocent children to the parenting styles of Michael Noer? As a woman who wants to have kids someday, I fully understand why a guy might want to have kids someday, but if that's a deal-breaker for you, the trick isn't to not marry career women. The trick is to not marry women who don't want kids.

5. If you do have kids, your wife is more likely to be unhappy. Check the statistics that he gives: it doesn't compare couples with kids to couples without kids, it compares wealthy couples with kids to less-wealthy couples with kids. The difference there isn't the kids, Mikey, it's the money. One of the authors speculated that wealthier women are used to "a professional life, a fun, active, entertaining life." And instead, they marry an editor for Forbes, who's boring as hell and can't even be bothered to change a diaper or...

6. Your house will be dirtier. ... pick up a freaking broom every once in a while. A woman with a full-time job does 1.9 hours less of housework a week? Alas and alack! Maybe it's because she's got a full-time job, dumbass, to subsidize your golf habit. Ever consider maybe grabbing a Swiffer and taking care of those dust kittens yourself? Of course you didn't.

7. You'll be unhappy if she makes more money than you. Sounds like a YP.

8. She will be unhappy if she makes more money than you. Maybe if you weren't such a baby about it (see above re: #7), it wouldn't be so much of an issue for her.

9. You are more likely to fall ill. If you want someone to remind you to wash your behind and take your vitamins, you don't need a wife. You need to stay with your mother so she can "monitor [your] health and healthy behavior." Because most of us eternaspinsters are looking to marry a man, not a toddler.

Now, I realize that there are a lot of you guys out there who are looking for a partner in life, not a mommy-slash-maid-slash-Living-Doll. And to you men, I apologize. Not for this post, but for Michael Noer, and for Jack Shafer, and for the pall they cast on every man who's never said, "You know what? Damn those successful women. They've got too much intelligence, too much self-confidence, and too damn much money. Somebody find me a stupid chick who's completely dependent on me and has some serious self-esteem issues."

Note: In their defense, Forbes did pull down the original shithead article and re-post it shortly thereafter as a point-counterpoint. Whether this was out of the goodness of their hearts or because the entire female population of the editorial board threatened to walk out, we'll likely never know. But we will know that every last one of them will be divorced by year's end, if Michael Noer has anything to say about it.