Wednesday, April 08, 2009

On gays settlin' down - still going to ruin the world

Okay, so in the wake of recent advancements in the direction of gay equality in Vermont, Iowa, and the District of Columbia, it's crucial that we're reminded how Gays Settlin' Down is going to ruin children and the world and the environment and Christmas. And this time, they're scaring the shit out of us with green screens and ominous music.

ZOMG! Gay marriage is so scary! They might be married, and stuff, and that would... change... things, and then they'd be able to... I don't know, share bennies? And visit each other in the hospital, and that would... affect us... somehow... Hold on, I have it somewhere.
There’s a storm gathering.
The clouds are dark, the wind is strong.
And I am afraid.

That's reasonable. Storms can be scary. I recommend making a cup of tea and keeping flashlights nearby, just in case.
Some who advocate for same-sex marriage are taking the issue far beyond same-sex couples.

Hold on--is this about the box-turtle thing again? I promise, I'm not going to try to marry my dog. He's not even into me.
They want to bring the issue into my life.
My freedom will be taken away.

Sure, your freedom to... what? Your freedom to prevent gay couples from being married in Iowa, I guess. But people with that authority seems like a pretty limited subpopulation.
I’m a California doctor who must choose between my faith and my job.

Because your religion forbids, what, treating gay people who are married? Because if you let a woman make a health-care decision for her lesbian wife, you'll go to hell? Damn. That's harsh.
I’m part of a NJ church group punished by the government because we can’t support same-sex marriage.

And of course, churches would be required to perform gay weddings. Because they're already required to perform straight weddings, whether they want to or not. And because a couple simply can't have a state-sanctioned marriage if it isn't also blessed by some arbitrary church, probably Christian, probably this guy's.
I’m a Massachusetts parent helplessly watching public schools teach my son that gay marriage is OK.

Helplessly! Helplessly, as parents are certainly not allowed to push their own values on their children, like teaching creation science even when schools know it's bullshit. And this endangers all of the college credit students used to receive college credit for upper-level AP What Kinds of Marriage Are OK courses.
But some who advocate for same-sex marriage have not been content with same-sex couples living as they wish.
Those advocates want to change the way I live.

Liiiiike... making gay people move in with you?
I will have no choice.

No choice in what? When you're required to divorce your husband and marry another woman? When your church gets shut down and burned to the ground to make room for a gay, gay disco? When you're at the post office and, right in front of you, a man signs for another man's package, because they're married, and now they can do that, and you're so offended, and you can't even beat the guy with your purse for being gay, which would have been okay before gay marriage became legal but you can't now and it's changing the way you live your life and you have no choice?!!?!11!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN GAYS SETTLE DOWN?!
The storm is coming.

But we have hope. A rainbow coalition of people of every creed and color are coming together in love to protect marriage. Visit Join us.

I like the "rainbow coalition" part--bigots of every creed and color! And once again, they want to protect marriage. By... preventing it. I guess "" was taken.

But where did they find all of those concerned straight people? How did they find such an earnest and telegenic crowd of worried homophobes? What did they--oh, open casting call.

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