Thursday, April 30, 2009

On teh ghey, ghey flu

Okay, so I previously wrote about the swine-flu related hysteria, but most of that was of a public-health, sky-is-falling kind of nature. But no disaster panic would be complete without the inevitable O My God Teh Gheys reactions - now with 50 percent more O My God Teh Dirty, Dirty Messicans!
Praise Jesus! The Lord is back.

I have a confession to make. I’m not a perfect Christian. Sometimes, I lose confidence in God. I’m always apologetic to Jesus after that happens, but let’s face it: God doesn’t punish nonbelievers today to the same degree He did in the days of old. Granted, the tsunami was a fairly powerful sanction on those Orientals who worship everything from cows to obese men with feet where their hands should be. Katrina certainly taught those partiers, sodomites and Kwanzaa celebrants a valuable lesson. And as Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson aptly observed, 9/11 reflected God’s fury for our tolerance of abortionists and homos. But lately, the Lord’s slaughter has been limited to the occasional flood, tornado and plane crash which involve just handfuls of nonbelieving sinners. But no more! The Lord is back with a vengeance.

Dakinikat swears this chick is for real. All I can say is that I hope so. God, do I hope so. Such a person has to exist. N.B. - Further examination suggests that such a wonder is not possible. Sigh.
One of God’s favorite conduits for extingushing evil is swine. Surely, we all remember the time that Jesus cast the devils possessing a nudist into a herd of swine which promptly drowned themselves. This time, the swine are staying alive and killing the devils, a/k/a Mexicans, a/k/a Catholics, a/k/a cultists, a/k/a idol-worshippers. Those people have always provoked the Lord with their “veneration” of Mary to the point that she has supplanted Jesus and become the Diana Ross of their religion, with Jesus relegated from THE Supreme to simply a Supreme. The cultists in the country just south claim to see Mary in everything from a stucco wall to an enchilada. They worship mortal “saints” and pray to statues. It was only a matter of time before Jesus became fed up and released the Trinity’s holy wrath on those dog-eaters.

Granted, this epidemic is starting to infect people who don’t belong to the filthy Catholic cult. But those victims had no business visiting that worthless wasteland of lazy idlers anyway. The Lord has never been good at exacting his vengeance with pinpoint accuracy. After all, the infants and unborn babies who died in the Great Flood and the fire and brimstone of Sodom and Gomorrah weren’t particularly culpable criminals, the firstborn children in Egypt couldn’t really be blamed for the Lord’s beef with the pharoah and locusts generally don’t limit themselves to the bad guys. But hey, whenever God goes on a killing spree to rid us of the wicked, it’s inevitable that there will be collateral damage. Let’s just pray that the INS strengthens its border patrols so wetbacks don’t spread the disease any further into this great nation.

Of course, there is a silver lining to every tragedy. If this disease continues to spread in Mexico, it could substantially reduce our illegal immigration problem. Perhaps that is God’s goal. The Lord does work in mysterious ways.

Let's break it down, this comprehensive lexicon of ethnic slurs: "Orientals," "sodomites," ""Kwanzaa celebrants" (is that Ubder-Fundie Dogwhistlese for "black"?), and "devils, a/k/a Mexicans, a/k/a Catholics, a/k/a cultists, a/k/a idol-worshippers," and "wetbacks." And "dog-eaters." Does that mean Mexicans, or are all Catholics meant to eat dog? I'm so confused.

And what's the thing about Jesus casting devils possessing a nudist into a herd of swine which promptly drowned themselves? I don't think they covered that particular Bible verse in my Christian-cultist-idol-worshipping Sunday school. If any Christians out there can explain that story, I'd really like to hear it.
Really like to hear it.

Not to play favorites, Dakinikat also hooks us up with the Jewish perspective:
JERUSALEM - The outbreak of swine flu should be renamed “Mexican” influenza in deference to Muslim and Jewish sensitivities over pork, said an Israeli health official Monday.

Deputy Health Minister Yakov Litzman said the reference to pigs is offensive to both religions and “we should call this Mexican flu and not swine flu,” he told a news conference at a hospital in central Israel.

Point the first: I just don't buy the "Muslim and Jewish sensitivities" thing, any more than I buy the "Judeo" part when someone says "Judeo-Christian." Not that I don't think Muslim sensitivities are important and worthy of some reasonable deference; I just think they were included as a PR thing.

Point the second: If you're not a pork person, if you think pork is horrible and filthy and an abomination, wouldn't you want it to be associated with something like an influenza pandemic? I mean, if somebody wanted to name this flu after my boss, I'd volunteer to write the press release myself. And when I did, I'd try my level best to find a synonym for "influenza" that carried nastier connotations.

(Just kidding, boss.)

(Kind of.)

Of course, no O My God Teh Gheys! roundup would be complete until we checked in with the last Religion of the Book. An imam in North Carolina tells us that the first chick is way off (which he could have told you anyway), because it was Allah who called down the swine flu to destroy America. But this time it's for the war on terror.
Anyone with eyes can clearly see that this new disease is a curse from Allah upon America. The Mujahideen and those who support them continue to ask Allah to destroy America. Allah responded. Today, they are being destroyed military, economically, and now they are being destroyed with a new disease that is spreading fast. May Allah protect the Muslims in the West from this disease and may this disease reach all the enemies of Allah so that the American Government can no longer move a finger against the Ummah!

Here's the problem: Praise Jesus up there doesn't say it explicitly in that particular post, but I'm sure a quick search of her blog would find a deep and abiding hatred for Muslims (or whatever she would call them. I shudder to think). Which would make the war on terror a good thing in her eyes (and, one might assume, Jesus's). According to the anti-American North Carolinian up yonder, Allah has cursed America with swine flu because of the war on terror. Obviously, it can't be both. It's got to be God or Allah. Tiff or the Good Reverend. Who's it going to be? How do we decide? I know how we decide.

Steel-cage death match.

And I will now go to sleep dreaming of a heavenly nightclub where the Blessed Virgin will appear in sequins and a big, curly wig, backed up by Jesus, Moses, and Elijah, all clad in gleaming white.

Update: Turns out they were all wrong. The real reason is, as always, the Democrats.


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