Okay, so today, Jezebel directs us to a feature (a regular one? Dunno. Not really a Cosmo girl, m'self) in Cosmopolitan where Ryan Hansen (who appears to be on some kind of a TV show and who has kind of douche-y floppy hair) tells us women how to be more pleasing to men.
This is great! This is something I've been concerned about! I've been worrying about how to make time with floppy-haired douchebags, and I had no idea that the trick is to take off my bra, scrub my face, and pretending not to engage in perfectly natural bodily functions.
Now, I have no illusions that Ryan Hansen actually crafted that list on his own. But if I did feel inclined to enlighten both him and his Cosmo ghostwriter, I might be inclined to mention that...
1. Men talk to my boobs anyway. I don't need to take my bra off.
2. I know I'm beautiful. Thanks so much for acknowledging that I meet your standards for beauty. I would bet you money that you have no idea whether or not any given woman is wearing makeup, because patriarchal beauty standards have left men with no concept whatsoever of what women really look like. The girl you're talking to who looks beautiful without makeup? Chances are, she's wearing, at the very least, tinted moisturized, mascara, gel bronzer, and lip gloss. How can you tell if a woman isn't wearing makeup? Chances are, she's the one you just snorted at and called "lesbo" to your friends.
3. I love to laugh at jokes. I would love to laugh at your jokes. Please tell funny ones.
4. Being childlike sometimes is youthful. Being childlike all the time is immature. I'm not interested in being your mommy, and if I find myself forced into the mommy role, you will not like it. I'd be a bitch of a mom. This is why I don't have children.
5. If you have a dog, you better bathe it.
6. Oh, boy, do I ever poop. You have no idea. I can go into great detail, if you want. Will that make you go away? If so, kindly allow me to go into extensive detail.
7. Don't do dumbass shit. Don't say stupid things. I will not call you out in front of your friends if you don't do those things.
8. Oh, honey. You're assuming I want to kiss you where other people could see.
9. I'm a fairly easygoing person. Generally, if a guy is comfortable and not violating social norms too terribly, I'm going to leave him to wear what he wants. However, if he is sporting a popped collar, an oversnug t-shirt with Old Navy-style faux-retro screen prints, a man-necklace, a vest over an undershirt, and/or douche-y floppy hair, I'm going to leave him in a gas station when goes in to get Red Bull.
10. I will run for the door if a guy has ever written a feature for Cosmo.
According to Cosmo, Ryan's douche-yness (and floppy hair) make him "completely charming" in real life. And he's married. So guys, go to that link, internalize that blatant douchebaggery, and make it your life, and you, too, can get laid. Read the above list, honestly see if you recognize yourself, make any necessary changes, and you can find someone who will want to hang around you enough to lay you a lot.
And cut your fucking hair. You look like you're about to trip over those Bama Bangs.
(Also: See Amanda's douchebag-takedown at Pandagon.)
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