On the dawning of the Age of Capricorn

Okay, so what's funny about this? I'll give you a hint: It's not the fact that ostensibly reasonable people are freaking out at the mere mention of a change in Zodiac signs.

The popular astrologer Susan Miller called the news "ridiculous." In an interview with ABC News, she said, "We've known about this for ages. The constellations don't suggest what's coming up, it's the planets! The constellations are a measuring device."

Jesus Christ, people! They're a measuring device! God, why am I the only person in this whole damn article who understands the science of astrology?

I need my own show.