Tuesday, February 13, 2007

On being a dick for a day

Okay, so tomorrow (for all you guys who never pay attention to these things and always get caught short) is Valentine's Day, on which I will be, once again, single. And honestly? Not crying too hard about that, because I need another white teddy bear (or tiger, or monkey, or bunny) holding a satin heart that says "Be My Valentine" like I need a month in Gitmo. Getting chocolate for free is never a bad thing, though, as long as it isn't cheap crap...

Anyway, if you were paying attention this time last year, you may remember my campaign for Be A Dick Day:
My problem (and it's not just my problem) with Valentine's Day is that it perpetuates the myth that people only have to be thoughtful and romantic one day a year. Guys make reservations (or fail to) at swanky restaurants and buy (or forget to) chocolates and sparkly things, girls buy cuddly pink stuffed animals and red boxer shorts with hearts on them and then give them to guys, and the next day, she's not bothering to shave her legs and he's laughing hysterically because he thinks a "Dutch oven" is an appropriate sign of affection for a 25-year-old. What's the point of a 24-hour romance-a-palooza if you're going to be a crappy partner the other 21,855 hours of the year?

My proposal - and one seconded by Holly and Mary and Georgia and just about any other woman you ask, if she'll be honest - is to scotch the entire Valentines experience and replace it with Be A Dick Day. You heard me. Every February 14th from now on should be celebrated with some of the lousiest, most obnoxious, most relationship-negative behavior imaginable. Men? This is where the aforementioned Dutch oven comes into play. Ladies? If you've got a stack of DVDs starring men far hotter than he is, today's the day to watch them. Table manners, and pants, should go right out the window. On the off chance that you do go out for a meal, both of you need to forget your wallet.

The tradeoff, though, involves not Being A Dick the other 364 days. That means Being Considerate. She doesn't like to touch the icky food on the plate? You load the dishwasher. He loaded the dishwasher for you? You unload it. Buy her underwear based on what she'd wear rather than what you'd like to see. Rent a movie that he's been wanting to watch - and then don't talk through it. If you know she's worried about her weight, take her to a restaurant that offers healthy menu options. If you know he's worried about his hairline, find him a nickname that doesn't include the word "Baldy-bear."

Now, hopefully, you've copied that post to your desktop for review every morning to remind you of the crucial differences between Being Considerate and Being A Dick. And if you've been doing that, you've likely been trying your best to Be Considerate for the past year. And if you've been doing that, tomorrow is your big day. Single as I am, I've tried my best to Be Considerate to my friends, coworkers, and loved ones, and so I have no intention of giving any heed to etiquette, diplomacy, romance, or basic consideration whatsoever tomorrow - I've earned it. If you've been Being A Dick to everyone else all year, though, you might want to stick with the traditional candy and flowers.

And anyone still interested in the traditional V-Day route will probably want reminding that I like alstroemeria, I prefer dark chocolate, and that both can be Delta DASHed out to Birmingham for maximum freshness.

February 14, 2007: Be A Dick Day. Mark your calendar.

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