Tuesday, July 03, 2007

On now being this many (and other special occasions)

Okay, so it came to my attention today that I missed a couple of very important observances in the past couple of weeks, and that I need to rectify them right away. How shameful of me to forget:

Canada Day. Michael rolled over in bed this morning, pulled the sheet modestly above his waist, and reminded me that July 1 marked the 140th anniversary of Canada's establishment as a self-governing dominion. I was so ashamed at forgetting such an important holiday that I was forced to make it up to him, at length, and then I was late for work. As an apology, allow me to direct you to this loving tribute to the fine cultural contributions of our neighbors to the north.

The Stanley Cup. Okay, I know I'm the only person here who actually watches and/or cares about ice hockey, but it's my only good source of sweaty, athletic man-violence between the Super Bowl and the college football preseason. And the Anaheim (formerly Mighty) Ducks' 6-2 victory over the Ottowa Senators in the fifth game of the championship series did, in fact, matter to me, as well as approximately six other hockey fans. Good on ya, fellas.

My own third blogiversary. That's right, my blog turned three on June 21 and I didn't even remember. This blog will be in therapy until it's thirty, and I know I'm going to be hearing about this for the next decade. "Hey, ACG, remember the time you forgot my birthday?" Anyway, in past years, I've celebrated the occasion by reviewing the past year, seeing what has changed and what hasn't, appraising the state of society and the world and stuff, and you know what? That stuff's depressing. The fact that more than a thousand US troops have died in Iraq since last blogiversary and the government still isn't any closer to anything resembling an exit strategy is depressing. The fact that the US is moving not forward but, in fact, backward on issues like reproductive freedom is depressing. The fact that Laura freaking Mallory is still obsessed with her anti-Harry Potter campaign is - there isn't even a word for it. "Depressing" falls short.

So instead of looking back, I'm going to look forward. Forward to the future. Forward to potential, to things yet to come. Forward to the next year in the life of Practically Harmless.

July 2007: The Richard Cheese Farewell Tour hits Atlanta, and you-know-who has awesome seats (hey, we're starting out slowly here. Besides, I take great pleasure in the small things).
August 2007: My department finally hires a new director, who is so entranced by my work that s/he gives me a considerable raise, allowing me to pay off my credit card, fix my car, and buy lots of shoes. Lots of shoes.
September 2007: General Petraeus gives his report on the progress of the war in Iraq. Report includes the words "punks," "ridamndiculous," "picklewipes," and "stunning - verging on criminal - lack of foresight and planning." Congress debates on whether to continue funding.
October 2007: While touring in Italy, Michael Bublé pauses onstage in the middle of "Feelin' Good" to propose marriage to Your Humble Blogger. Your Humble Blogger humbly accepts.
November 2007: Thanksgiving dinner featuring Mama G's glorious cheese grits and yet another righteous whupping of Georgia Tech by their betters.
December 2007: Can't tell you. It's a secret. But it's going to be awesome. Oh, also? Christmas.
January 2008: During State of the Union address, President Bush pronounces "nuclear" the way it's spelled. Sam Donaldson passes out from shock.
February 2008: Dick Cheney eats a baby on live TV.
March 2008: US troops capture al-Qaeda Number Two in Iraq. Over the next three weeks, US troops capture six more Number Twos and report confirmed deaths of another three. Muqtada al-Sadr laughs, eats figs, and fails to go to the dentist.
April 2008: Nancy Pelosi beats John Boehner (R-Weenie) into unconsciousness with a tube sock full of nickels on the House floor. House passes funding bill with hard benchmarks.
May 2008: President Bush vows to veto funding bill. Nancy Pelosi hunts under sofa cushions for more nickels.
June 2008: Blogiversary Number Four. Laura Mallory struck with amnesia following mysterious broom incident. World peace.

Here's to another one.

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