Monday, January 21, 2008

On pre-screening for the deep-down crazy

Okay, so Tom Cruise didn't get where he is just by being insanely rich, insanely power-hungry, and insane, full-stop. No, he had to go through an intense auditing process designed to evaluate his mental and emotional state and ultimately free him from possession by the alien ghosts that escaped from volcanoes millions of years ago and were polluting his mind with the false memories inflicted by Xenu's brainwashing.

The good news is that you, too, can be free of those naughty, naughty alien ghosties by going down to your local Scientology center and getting hooked up to an e-meter. In the meantime, though, Radar magazine has been kind enough to publish an excerpt from the actual tests used by LRH's followers in the orgs to KSW and free preclears from the influence of thetans and SPs.

How clear are you?

• Have you ever enslaved a population?

Well, imagine a group of fifty or so people who voluntarily visit a blog each day in search of wisdom and humor and continue to return despite consistently getting this dreck instead. What would you call that?

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?

I prefer to consider it killing the right person a little bit early.

• Have you ever wiped out a family?

It can be argued that my lack of success in the dating arena qualifies as wiping out my future husband and kids simply by never having any.

• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?


• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?

Dude, my parents read this blog.

• Have you ever made love to a dead body?

See above.

• Have you ever engaged in piracy?


• Have you ever been a pimp?

I spent two years of my life as a trend pimp. I'm still recovering from the shame.

• Have you ever eaten a human body?

Hello, Catholic?

• Have you given robots a bad name?

They do that quite nicely themselves, thanks. You might want to talk to David Letterman, though.

• Have you driven anyone insane?

I once had a Spanish teacher who retired suddenly after an orchestrated gaslighting campaign by her students. I cannot disclose who was responsible for that campaign.

• Is anybody looking for you?

If the Department of Homeland Security isn't keeping an eye on me, I'll be not only surprised but hurt. Seriously, I do, and I do, and I do for you people!

• Have you ever set a poor example?


• Have you systematically set up mysteries?

I'm aloof and enigmatic, and that bothers you. (That one's for you, Doug.)

• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?

It makes the mysteries that much more interesting.

• Have you ever gone crazy?

I live there.

• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?

Have I ever had to?

• Do you deserve to have any friends?

Absolutely not. I consider myself deeply lucky in that respect.

• Have you ever castrated anyone?

Does verbally count?

• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?

This one.

• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?

Reality is universally difficult to handle. I consider it my duty to humanity to make that reality as surreal as possible. Call it a service.

Check the whole list at Radar. You may find that you're less clear than you thought. The cool thing about Scientology, though, is that they're the authorities on everything: getting people off drugs, the mind, improving conditions, criminology, the way to happiness, bringing peace, uniting cultures, making a better souffle, preventing static cling, conquering that not-so-fresh feeling, leaving Britney Spears to her own devices, and jumping on couches. If you're not in the game, you need to get out of the arena. Peace.

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