Friday, January 04, 2008

On unsexiness

Okay, so People and Cosmo and every other magazine with a significantly female readership love to run "sexiest men of" stories to sell issues full of pictures that will be mauled by adoring fans and words that will go largely unread except by those devoted stalkers who want to know who (insert hot male celebrity here) is dating so they can hate her with a passion.

But what about the men who bring unsexy back?

Lucky for us, the Phoenix has been kind enough to compile the 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007, a comprehensive list of the bad, the tasteless, the ugly, the crazy, and those unfortunate beings who manage to combine more than one of the aforementioned attributes. It'll come as no surprise to my regular readers that I wish I'd written it (I love Peyton Manning to death, and I still wish I was the one who thought to describe him by saying that "it's like someone took Haley Joel Osment and stretched him vertically"), but the greatest measure of hilarity turned out to be unintentional as scores of spotty teenaged girls with emo crushes swarmed the comments section to defend Patrick Stump, Pete Wentz, and Gerard Way from the meanie-moe snark of the Phoenix editorial staff.

The best by far?

who are you to say who's sexy and who isn't? Patrick should not be up here. He is one of the most influential people of our time.

God help us if this is, in fact, the case.
And why dis Pete in the meantime? What have these people EVER done to you? How can you sleep at night, knowing that you have been such a cold hearted person to write a freaking article about who is attractive when children are starving in our world?

From Doug: "There are children starving and a war going on in Iraq . . . so I'm going to get outraged about someone talking smack about Fall Out Boy." Im LOLing at ur prioriteez!11!1!!!one
Did you even know that there is a war going on in Iraq? Did you know that generations are being slaughtered?

Kristin, this time: "No, holy Christ, I had no idea. I take it back. Patrick IS hot. He IS! Go America!"
Probably not, seeing as how you only have the time to look at people, and not really care about what they're doing in this world. I applaud you for being a careless person. POSTED BY fangsup AT 01/01/08 8:59 PM

And fangsup, I applaud you for taking the time to post all of that on the comment section amid a torrent of nearly identical fangirl temper tantrums aimed at an editorial staff who find your squealing outrage hilarious.

If only we could get these kids to vote.

Maybe Patrick Stump could do it. I hear he's way influential.

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