Tuesday, June 21, 2005

On all of you damned uppity blue staters

Okay, so I'm with Amanda over at Pandagon here. I am so freaking tired of people ragging on the red states just because they happen to be red. I will grant you that the red staters in the red states can be a pain in the ass, but there happens to be a growing number of moderates, liberals, and progressives in those states fighting to drag their states kicking and screaming to the light side of the Force. And honestly, who's doing more good here - the Georgia Dems working from the inside to reform their state, or the Massachusetts Dems standing on the outside, pointing and saying, "Ooh, you like barbecue, you've got cooties" and then going to their committee meetings to pat each other on the back?

And Tennessee Guerilla Women really need to kiss my ass:
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson...

Oh, don't even...
... and the University of Georgia.

Oh. You. Bitch.

Fine, TGW. Have your blue states. You can get together and have your happy little blue state party, with all of your little self-satisfied blue state friends who can do a little blue state dance over not having to worry about mosquitos or bad weather. Just don't count on listening to any jazz music, or rock music, or, um, country music, because that's all red state. So you can hand over REM, Widespread Panic, the B-52s and Elvis whenever you're ready. Don't count on eating any barbecue, either, 'cause we came up with that.

And while you're at it, you can give back Hank Aaron and Ty Cobb and, yeah, even Peyton Manning. Oh, and Thomas Jefferson and Jimmy Carter and Martin Luther fucking King fucking Junior.

See, this is why liberals get the reputation for being so damned uppity and superior - because they act that way. They look down on anything not appropriately northern and intellectual and dismiss entire sections of the country as boondockified rubes. How exactly do you expect to gain southern votes that way, blue staters? It starts this way: by pulling your heads out of your asses and realizing that, just like with religion, just like with race, just like with sexual orientation, the fact that it's different than you doesn't make it inherently inferior. My suggestion is that you sit down on a nice front porch swing, pour yourself a glass of iced tea, listen to some Patsy Cline and get the hell over yourselves.

And while you're at it, see if you can figure out how many NCAA football national champs have come from blue states in the past fifty years (I'll give you a hint: it's between four and six).

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