Sunday, March 19, 2006

On road rage

Okay, so I love podcasts for a road trip. It's like watching TV, except without the "watching" part that would make driving rather dangerous. Unfortunately, one of the downsides of podcasts is that all of the things you're tempted to do while watching TV - getting up for snacks, taking a pee, screaming irately at the idiots on the show, are still present. Road trips aren't quite as relaxing when you're yelling the entire time.

Friday's trip to Mississippi started with standstill traffic in Atlanta and last Sunday's "This Week with George Stephanopolous." Drivers pulling alongside me would have seen a woman apopleptic with rage, but the Cabrio's seven-layer insulated top would have prevented them from hearing the colorful, if not entirely creative, insults flying at the radio.

I stand by each and every one of them. Bill Frist is a doodyhead.

STEPHANOPOULOS: You heard Senator Feingold there. He wants Democrats and Republicans to come together on the censure resolution he's going to introduce tomorrow.

I can't imagine you're going to support that.

FRIST: George, what was interesting in listening to my good friend, Russ, is that he mentioned protecting the American people only one time.

And although you went to politics a little bit later, I think it's a crazy political move.

And I think it, in part, is a political move because here we are, the Republican Party, the leadership in the Congress, supporting the president of the United States as commander in chief who is out there fighting Al Qaida and the Taliban and Osama bin Laden and the people who have sworn -- have sworn -- to destroy Western civilization and all the families listening to us; and they're out now attacking -- at least today through this proposed censure vote -- out attacking our commander in chief.

It doesn't make sense.

ME: Oh, yeah, he's out there fighting al Qaida, fighting the Taliban, fighting Osama bin Laden. That's why we're bashing around Iraq, and why the Taliban is freaking returning in Afghanistan, and why we have no freaking idea where Osama bin Laden is and he's still sending out videos! You idiot!
STEPHANOPOULOS: So you're saying that censure resolution actually weakens America abroad?

FRIST: Yes. Well, I think it does because we are right now at a war, in an unprecedented war, where we do have people who really want to take us down. And we think back to 9/11 and that war on terror is out there.

So the signal that it sends that there is in any way a lack of support for our commander in chief who is leading us with a bold vision in a way that we know is making our homeland safer is wrong. And it sends a perception around the world.

And, again, that's why I'm saying -- as leader at least of the Republican side of this equation -- that it's wrong, because leadership around the world of our sworn enemies are going to say, "Well, now we have a little crack there."

There is no crack. The American people are solidly behind this president in conducting this war on terror.

ME: Oh, right, solidly behind. That's why his approval rating is sitting solidly at 37 percent, and why a solid 60 percent of Americans think that going into Iraq in the first place was a mistake. You stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID idiot. There is crack, and it is in the crack pipe that you are smoking crack out of, you stupid idiot crackhead!

And while we're on the subject, how exactly is censure of Bush for violating the freaking Constitution going to send any kind of signal to our enemies abroad? "Ha-ha, the Americans want to hold their president accountable for violations of their civil liberties! They're playing right into our hands! If he taps phones with a warrant, instead of without a warrant, we're bound to win! Pop the champagne, we're as good as there!" You stupid, stupid, crackheaded idiot.
STEPHANOPOULOS: Well, let's go to that Dubai Ports deal, because you broke with President Bush early on that. You said the deal raises serious questions about homeland security.

But about a week after that, you seemed to change your tune. And I want to show our viewers something written in the Lexington Herald- Leader on February 25th:

"Frist said last night that, after recent briefings, he is now comfortable with an Arab-owned company running port security for six American cities, and backed off a pledge to pass legislation to stop the deal.

"'My comfort level is good. The Senate is behind the president 100 percent. We believe the decision, in all likelihood, is absolutely the right one'."

So was this deal bad for national security or not?

FRIST: You know, we don't know yet -- and that's the problem. And that is: the review process, this Committee on Foreign Investment, is a broken process -- the process by which we review these foreign investments is a process that needs to be fixed.

We will fix it in the United States Senate. It lacks full transparency. It does not have any congressional oversight.

And the fact that the law is written that way today means that I don't know -- United States senators don't know because we don't have access to the information of the deal.

Thus what I did -- I said, to the administration, let's go back, let's re-review, let's make available the information and data that you put forward and then let's make a decision.

ME: If the Senate was behind him 100 percent, then he wouldn't have had to threaten the freaking veto to get the deal to go through. "We" don't believe it's the right one, obviously, or "we" wouldn't be legislating to block it. As I recall, the Senate was delaying it in the first place so that the 45-day investigation could take place, and that's what was cheesing Bush off so much! But I understand that it's hard to be completely accurate when you're smoking so much crack, you stupid, crackheaded idiot!
STEPHANOPOULOS: But that's what I'm asking, though. If they can't find a buyer, will you vote to kill the deal?

FRIST: Well, it depends on the outcome of the investigation. If everything that the president, the administration has said, and that is that there is absolutely no threatening or jeopardy to our security and safety of the American people and they tell us and they prove that to our satisfaction and we go to the American people and they understand, I don't see how the deal would have to be canceled.

But we don't have that information yet because that process is broken. And it's a process that we will fix.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Well, I understand. I'm surprised here, Senator. You're saying it's still possible that Dubai Ports World will end up managing six American ports.

FRIST: Well, what I'm saying, under your hypothetical, is that they don't have a buyer and they can't sell it. I'm not agreeing with that presumption at all.

All I know is that right now, they said they are going to sell; they're looking for a buyer. That's what I expect them to do.

And if that's what happened to me, the deal is over with. There is no issue except that we need to fix the process that caused it in the first place, number one, and, number two, we need to tighten up our port security.

ME: Yeah, you're all 'bout it now that you don't think it can possibly go through! You're "100 percent behind it" when you don't think it'll actually happen! You are a flip-flopper! You are Flip-Flop Frist! You are a flip-flopper and a lip-flapper and a backflipper, you stupid, stupid, backflipping crackheaded idiot!

At that point, I made it to the Perimeter, traffic sped up, and I put on Howie Day, because I didn't think that red-faced rage and speeds in excess of 70 miles an hour were a good mix.

So, to recap: Bill Frist, stupid, stupid, backflipping, crackheaded idiot. For president. 2008.

Anyone for posters?

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