Friday, December 08, 2006

On Britney, Paris, and Lindsay: This Is Your Soundtrack

Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair

Okay, so "worthless" is such a harsh word. It's a pity when other words prove far less suitable.

As reasonably intelligent people worldwide asked, "Where is that girl's mother?" the Los Angeles DCFS is looking for Britney Spears and her parents are talking about an intervention to mend her hard-partying ways. A recent post by Britney on her Web site, however, indicates that she may recognize that she's overdone it; she writes that it's been two years since she's celebrated her birthday (and photographs reveal that she did so while wearing undies), that she may have taken it a bit to far, and that she's grateful for Victoria's Secret's new underwear line. Although she doesn't make any promises about future image repair, she does at least seem to finally realize that a) she has a two-month-old baby at home and b) panties serve to shield your cootch from more than wind gusts and cold leather car seats.

It may come too late for future offspring of Paris Hilton, who, after spending time with Brit and the kids, has announced that she wants to have kids of her own. After all, she says, "I look after animals, so I'd have a lot to give my kids." Which means we can expect to see her dressing her kids up in a glittery designer sweater with no pants and kissing them on the mouth as she flashes her vajayjay at the paparazzi.

However, this week's Most In Need of Parental Intervention (as well as, very possibly, Least Likely to Benefit From Said Intervention) has to go to Lindsay Lohan. Yes, She Who Thinks Tights Are the Same As Pants has outdone not only Britney and Paris but herself, throwing tantrums, dressing like a hooker, driving her car into people and/or things, wearing someone else's sobriety chip, alternately fighting and not fighting with Paris, spitting canapes onto trays, sending her friends unintelligible e-mails:
Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said. I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people. Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see. [...]

[...] Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point. I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them. Have harvey and all lawyers help me please. If he is willing. Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. [...] I'm willing to hold a press conference and I will do anything necessary to do so. In putting an end to 'these people' trying to put an end to me and belittle me as well as try to be the demise of me after all I've gone through and done at such a young and tender age in a womans life. Its enough already, I've had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change. [...] So let's start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I'm doing it either way. The way of the future. Thank you for your time. Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.
([sic] Like, the whole, entire thing. One big [sic])

and, of course, showing her vag.

And that's why this Friday Not-Even-Random Ten is dedicated to three of the most worthless people ever to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide, Brit, Paris, and LiLo. The Axis of Easy. The Three Horsewomen of the NetherLips. Three women who need to be lured in with a delicious can of tuna, thrown into a pillowcase, taken to the vet, fixed, and released. Somebody do something. Please, God, somebody do something.

The Ten:

1. Shakira, "Underneath Your Clothes"
2. Dixie Chicks, "Wide Open Spaces"
3. Fatboy Slim, "The Rockafeller Skank"
4. The Gourds, "Gin and Juice"
5. Guster, "I Spy"
6. Donna Summer, "Bad Girls"
7. Portishead, "Glory Box"
8. Monty Python's Flying Circus, "The Spam Sketch"
9. Kahr, "Naked"
10. The Original Broadway Cast of Avenue Q, "I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today"

And those are just the ones I didn't leave out 'cause my parents sometimes read my blog.

Your Ten goes in comments.

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