Thursday, December 21, 2006

On Thursday mixed nuts

Okay, so just in time for Christmas, we bring you a veritable fruitcake busting with inedible, unidentifiable candied fruits and certifiable nuts. To wit:

- The Sheila Variations brings us the harrowing tale of one woman's journey through - and I wish I were kidding here - the Charmin Megastore. It's a paradise of blue carpeting, abundant TP and dancing bears that really need to go potty. (H/t Feministe.)

- Alternately, we have a woman who took that scene from Airplane! way too seriously and tried to check her baby with her luggage. I'm just joshin', of course; in reality, she set him in one of those plastic bins and sent him through the X-ray machine. Luckily, doctors have determined that the poor irradiated tyke didn't receive enough rays that he'll someday be able to leap tall buildings and/or shoot webs from his wrists. When he grows up, he's going to be pissed.

Best quote from the article?
"We're trying to figure out what changes we can make, short of putting up signs saying, 'Don't put your baby through the X-ray machine,' " Melendez said. "We're trying to determine how we can make this not happen again."

I would love to see the little illustrative pictogram that goes with that instruction.

- In the Battle of the Network Has-Beens, Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump are duking it out over stupid stuff she said and stupid stuff he said. I know, I'm still looking for some kind of Christmassy decorative tin in which to contain my shock. Following the press conference in which Trump generously offers absolution to Miss Drunk USA 2006, Rosie makes fun of his hair (she's so classy!) and The Donald calls her sloppy and threatens to sue (he is, too!).

I'm still trying to figure out why no one has tried to muzzle either one of these. Or, worse yet, make them move in together and film it as a reality show (dibs on intellectual property! Must credit Practically Harmless!).

- And to close, as I opened, with fruits and nuts, here are Christmas greetings from commenter annieangel (no relation, I promise you) over at Sadly, No!:
I hope Christmas brings you what you deserve. I hope it brings you nightmares from which you wake up screaming, I hope you relive every bad memory of your life and I hope you have a rotten Christmas.


You are a fucking piece of shit. Your mother is a whore and your father is a drunk who will both rot in Hell if they aren’t already.

She goes on to say, "I’m not perfect, just forgiven. I’m saved and Jesus forgives me for being human. That’s why He died for me. I am nowhere near perfect, I am not Jesus. But I love Him and He loves me and we both HATE you."

But these merry Christmas greetings don't mean I'm going anywhere (if only because the university decided, in their wisdom, to grant precisely one day off for the Christmas holiday, as Carol Garrizon muttered, "It's a sorry excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th..."). Tune in tomorrow for more holiday goodness and a Very Special Christmas Friday Not-Even-Random Ten.

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