Fear, people, fear! Wiretapping! Al Qaeda cells in the US! Feminism (oooh... shudder)! This one almost went to Kate O'Beirn for the kind of sister f***ing rarely seen outside of the curtained room at the back of the video store, but in the end, it had to go to Georgie Bush for his State of the Union address - now with 25 percent more human hybrids!
1. The Smiths, "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore"
February saw the start of my long and boring tirade about moral absolutism, but for all its length and boringness it was also absolutely correct and you should print it out and tape it to your bathroom mirror. The only star of that month, though, was Dick "Itchy Trigger Finger" Cheney and his quail hunting whoopsie, which also happened to be the first in the long and sometimes painful tradition of Not-Even-Random Tens. Thanks, Dick!
2. Guster, "Barrel of a Gun"
The debate over the president's warrantless wiretapping scheme took up most of March, culminating with Joe Lieberman's suggestion that the program should be... brought under the law. Which, y'know, wouldn't be necessary if it were, as they keep arguing, legal already. But Joe manages to just miss his own acknowledgment for the month as South Dakota Senator Bill Napoli completely squicks me out with his heavy-breathing description of what poor, innocent, ravished young virgin deserves the privilege of an abortion. Anyone for an "ew"? Ew...
3. Radiohead, "Creep"
In April, Laura Mallory started her campaign to save the children of Gwinnett County from the scourges of quality, entertaining reading material. She'll have to wait to get hers, though, because April was also the month of gay folks at the White House Easter egg roll, ninjas at UGA, and worst of all, tan folks a-crossin' the border. Lots of love for the ethnically-named Kathleen Parker, who wonders why everyone can't just speak American already.
4. The Original Broadway Cast of Avenue Q, "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist"
In May, the White House found Stephen Colbert unfunny, Zacaroius Moussaoui went to prison, Bush's approval rating dropped to 29 percent, those obnoxious Ford ads were on the air, and the state of Georgia wigged out about gays settlin' down. What's up, state of Georgia? You got something about tastefully-decorated townhomes and adopted kids trotting off to school looking all zhuzhed and metro? Not cool, state of Georgia.
5. Dope, "Debonaire"
June was a light posting month, as it was the month I started freelancing as my only means of support. Coincidentally, it was also the month my credit card hit the limit and my ulcer kicked up to 11. While all of that was going on, my blog turned 2, some bitch dumped Doug over voicemail, and Laura Mallory (we remember her from May?) got tole by the Gwinnett County School Board. She didn't listen, of course, because people like her don't listen, but she did get tole.
6. Stevie Wonder, "Superstition"
July had snowflake babies, war on the West Bank, sabre rattling by North Korea, the descent of yours truly on Birmingham, and the descent of Atlas Pam into madness. Nothing says "citizen journalist to be taken seriously" like a gigantic martini glass and the Pussycat Dolls.
7. INXS, "Elegantly Wasted"
In August, we had to dump all terrorist moisturizers and diet sodas from our carryon luggage, Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey suggested we all wished we were hot like her, poor Bleu Copas was outed and ousted, and, like, whatever, because Columbus's Northern Little League All-Stars beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. W00t, kids.
8. Gorillaz, "Rock the House"
The fifth anniversary of the September 11 attacks seemed significant in that five is a round number. In terms of the country changing at all in the wake of said attack, we found ourselves more scared, and several thousand of our troops found themselves more dead. ABC commemorated such event with a movie that was 99.3 percent untrue, and George W. Bush commemorated it by declaring the right to torture folks. Folks like, y'know, us. I feel so... safe.
9. Dave Matthews Band, "Cry Freedom"
October was a bad month for pages as they were sexually harrassed by Rep. Mark Foley, and it was a bad month for the disabled if Rush Limbaugh might possibly think you're faking, and it was a bad month for Americans if you thought you might want to use your civil liberties, and it was a really bad month for girls who were lined up and methodically shot in Pennsylvania and Colorado while the news media didn't even seem to notice that the boys were let go and the girls were victimized. School security! Oh, metal detectors! I'm sorry, little lady, were you trying to say something?
10. Poe, "Beautiful Girl"
Christmas came early following the November elections as the Democrats took back both the House and the Senate. Don't screw it up, guys. And the gifts just kept on coming with an awesome Bulldog victory over the Auburn Tigers and the resignation of Donald "Job Security" Rumsfeld. Later, hater! Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.
11. Michelle Branch, "Goodbye To You"
December: Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, my birthday. War on Christmas, people! They're taking away your holiday! Didn't you notice that, thanks to the evil liberal secularists, there was no Christmas, and that we actually jumped from December 23 to December 26 with no recognition of the birth of Jesus whatsoever? The power they have!
12. Billy Mack, "Christmas Is All Around"
And, of course, a New Year's Bonus:
Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin, "Auld Lang Syne"
Happy New Year, folks! Go forth, get drunk, kiss someone unadvisedly at midnight, wake up regretting it all, and come back safe and reasonably healthy. Let's make 2007