Friday, October 27, 2006

On Chuck Norris: This Is Your Soundtrack

Okay, so Chuck Norris has a column at WorldNet Daily.

That is all.

No, it's not, but isn't there something bizarrely right about that? For some reason that I can't really define, it seems fitting that Chuck Norris and WorldNet Daily should come together in this way.

What's even better is his inaugural column, in which he alerts the InterWebs to an little-known phenomenon he recently discovered known as "Chuck Norris facts." Examples of such facts include:
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck doesn't mind that these facts are floating around. He seems like a fun guy who doesn't take himself too seriously at all and would be an absolute blast at a party.
Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of the craze of "Chuck Norris Facts." It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. I'm so grateful for my fans. Who knows, maybe these one liners will prompt some one to seek out the real facts about me and the beliefs that have shaped my life and my career.

But, responsibe man and sensei that he is, he would be remiss in not using those facts as a teaching tool.
While I have as much fun as anyone else reading and quoting them, let's face it, most "Chuck Norris Facts" describe someone with supernatural, superhuman powers. They're describing a superman character. And in the history of this planet, there has only been one real Superman. It's not me.


Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live." It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.

Which explains why God always has a beard in all those pictures. But underneath that beard isn't a chin - it's another fist.
Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever."

There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.

If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood.

But if you've got cancer, you might want to try chemotherapy.

And that's why this Friday Not-Even-Random Ten is dedicated to Chuck Norris: because of his humility and honest in reminding us that although some people joke about Chuck Norris having super powers, the real truth is that he doesn't actually have them. And that evolution doesn't exist.

The Ten:
1. Cypress Hill, "How I Could Just Kill a Man"
2. Velvet Chain, "Strong"
3. Lauryn Hill, "When It Hurts So Bad"
4. The White Stripes, "Seven Nation Army"
5. Dido, "White Flag"
6. The Police, "King of Pain"
7. Mandy Moore, "Crush"
8. A Tribe Called Quest, "Can I Kick It?"
9. Busta Rhymes, "When Disaster Strikes"
10. Tom Jones, "Sexbomb (Peppermint Disco Mix)"

Your Ten, or your favorite Chuck Norris facts, or whatever, go below

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